My 6th Grade Bus Driver - In 6th grade I had this bus driver, I think her name was Jeanette, she was clearly in the wrong line of work. Every single day she listened to Coolio's Gangsta's Paradise on repeat for the entire bus ride. Clearly this bus driver would rather have been Coolio's tour bus driver or maybe even a backup thug for him. Driving school aged children who shouldnt even be listening to Gangstas Paradise though was unfortunately all that was in the cards for her.
Sylvia, the Grocery Store Bagger - Today I encountered a grocery store bagger that really should have been in a different line of work. Her name was Sylvia and she worked at my local Giant. Sylvia looked as though she was 15 and hated her life. She also could have been working the street corner after work by the amount of eye liner she had caked on. She really showed her appreciation for the customer and gave quite a display of how much she truly enjoyed her job by savoring each and every second of bagging. She literally bagged slower than anyone i have ever seen in my entire life. My two year old niece could have bagged my groceries faster than Sylvia.
Various Past Gym Teachers of Mine - Well, first off, they'd all be pissed that I was calling them a 'Gym' Teacher, because they are actually Physical Education Teachers. Lets just say all of my gym teachers, and all of your gym teachers probably fall into this category. What person grows up and says to them self, "Gee, I can't wait to become a Physical Education Teacher and TEACH kids how to play Capture the Flag!" First off, how much teaching was there really involved in Capture the Flag? I'm pretty sure it was just splitting the class in half and putting a flag on two sides of a field and then setting a hula hoop somewhere to represent 'jail.' At least thats how I remember it. If I'm wrong then I obviously wasn't taught very well. While we all really loved playing Capture the Flag in Gym Class, I am almost certain it wasn't my middle aged gym teachers main goal in life. They probably wanted to be some sort of professional athlete or professional coach but didn't make the cut, AT ALL.
Lady Gaga - I say this with a complete and total bias because I literally despise Lady Gaga with everything in my being. Instead of being a singer, she should probably become part of a traveling circus. WHAT IN GODS NAME IS SHE? She's a freak. And the circus is precisely where freaks belong. I really have had enough with seeing her on tv or in magazines with her hair tied in bows, or her face completely covered with what can only be described as a bloody red bird's nest. She is absolutely without a doubt in the wrong line of work in my opinion.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
My (Swine) Flu Experience
Think back to the Spring of 2009. There was an outbreak of the Swine Flu in Mexico that soon brought a few cases to the US. Before we knew it there were over 2 people in the United States that had swine flu. We quickly had a international pandemic on our hands. Fast forward to early fall. There was a limited supply of regular flu and swine flu vaccinations, so naturally I thought I would let the elderly and babies have the shots. I was literally just trying to be a model citizen. I thought that my healthy, young, 25 year old body could fight off the flu, or handle it if by some stroke of the devil's hand I contracted it. Boy was I wrong. Next year I will literally be doing whatever it takes to get a flu shot well before the season begins, and believe me, if you experienced what I did you would do the same.
It all started one Monday night as I was enjoying a lovely meal at my good friend Sarah Budi's house. We were putting together the Evite for the most serious and what ended up being the dirtiest Christmas Gift Exchange to ever exist (people fighting over Snuggies, Guinness Glasses, and Waffle Makers like I have never seen). This was for sure where I contracted the deadly virus.
The next morning I definitely felt sick but since I have an extremely unhealthy dedication to my job I went to work anyway. Within 1 hour I was sweating profusely through my clothes and felt like I was going to pass out at my desk so I thought I should probably go home before I became quarantined to my office. The next four days were spent close to death while watching soap net and sweating more than Gary Williams in the last 40 seconds of the Terps loss to Clemson. This is what leads to my lovely Friday Emergency Room visit and what later ends up being almost $1000 in hospital bills owed to the glorious Fairfax Invoa hospital.
Let me tell you, I had quite a day in the ER. Thankfully I have fantastic friends, and Heather came and picked my sorry ass up so that I wouldn't die in the confines of my apartment. She took me to the hospital where I was promptly greeted with a surgical mask as to not spread my hellish germs to others. Sadly I had opted to wear my glasses that day purely because I literally did not even have the strength to put contact lenses in. The glasses/surgical mask combo did not work very well. I was fogging my glasses up at least once a minute. This made it really easy to see.
Fairfax Inova really has a great system in place at their ER. It was probably devised by wizards and warlocks because it is literally magical trickery. I showed up and was called within minutes. I thought, "how lucky am I, I am on my deathbed on the least busy day of the year at the hospital and they have called me FIRST!!!!" This sadly was not true. After Marissa and Luke took my vitals and plugged me up to some EKG thingy I was ushered into the SUB EMERGENCY ROOM. UM WHAT? WHAT THE HELL IS A SUB EMERGENCY ROOM?!?? It's a place where you sit for a painfully long time. It can only be compared to what I would think the depths of hell are like. Heather and I sat in the Sub ER for hours. We were there for so long that someone actually came and gave us each a blanket because we both started shivering (probably out of fear for my life). Other people came to the Sub ER and feared for their life just to be near the masked wonder that I was.
When I was finally seen by a doctor I was told I was going to have a flu swab. I'm not sure how many are you are familiar with a flu swab, but when I heard that phrase I thought for sure they were going to swab the inside of my cheek. That is NOT true. a flu swab consists of having two very lengthy q-tips stuck up each of your nostrils. And guess what . . . flu swabs are wrong FIFTY PERCENT OF THE TIME. Later they will tell me I do not have Swine Flu but I am sorry, I do not believe them, especially since this test is wrong half the time. I could have just flipped a coin to figure out of I had swine flu and it would have been a lot more pleasant than having sticks up my nose. Heads you have swine flu, tails you don't.
After having a multitude of tests done from a hospital bed hanging out in a hallway, I was wheeled into a room where there was a man on the other side of the curtain who was making the strangest noises I have ever heard. Heather and I were doing all the we could not to laugh out loud, but he was groaning, grunting, and farting. Yet, when asked what his pain was on a scale of 1 - 10 he responded that it was a THREE. The sounds we heard that day could only yield what I would imagine was a 20 on the pain scale.
After several tests, two large glasses of contrast, one IV, and a really awesome hospital roomie, I was asked to promptly pay half of my bill (which was a lie since it ended up costing me almost 10 times what I paid that day) while still hooked up to machines. I paid my bill and two hours later received permission to leave after what ended up being almost a 9 hour day at the Emergency Room all to find out I did NOT have Swine Flu according to a test that is wrong half the time.
I have to say, this was one of the worst experiences I have ever had. Whatever it was that I contracted I have to believe will be avoided with some sort of vaccination this fall. And if it isn't, life as I know it will probably come to an end, because I do not think I can go through that experience again. I don't own enough pairs of pajama's to survive the sweat. Basically, the moral of the story is, get the flu shot and any other shot that is offered to you from a clinic. It may save your life. Also, I have awesome friends. Thank you for putting your own life in danger to bring me medicine, soda, flowers, and even to the hospital. You guys are the best :-)
It all started one Monday night as I was enjoying a lovely meal at my good friend Sarah Budi's house. We were putting together the Evite for the most serious and what ended up being the dirtiest Christmas Gift Exchange to ever exist (people fighting over Snuggies, Guinness Glasses, and Waffle Makers like I have never seen). This was for sure where I contracted the deadly virus.
The next morning I definitely felt sick but since I have an extremely unhealthy dedication to my job I went to work anyway. Within 1 hour I was sweating profusely through my clothes and felt like I was going to pass out at my desk so I thought I should probably go home before I became quarantined to my office. The next four days were spent close to death while watching soap net and sweating more than Gary Williams in the last 40 seconds of the Terps loss to Clemson. This is what leads to my lovely Friday Emergency Room visit and what later ends up being almost $1000 in hospital bills owed to the glorious Fairfax Invoa hospital.
Let me tell you, I had quite a day in the ER. Thankfully I have fantastic friends, and Heather came and picked my sorry ass up so that I wouldn't die in the confines of my apartment. She took me to the hospital where I was promptly greeted with a surgical mask as to not spread my hellish germs to others. Sadly I had opted to wear my glasses that day purely because I literally did not even have the strength to put contact lenses in. The glasses/surgical mask combo did not work very well. I was fogging my glasses up at least once a minute. This made it really easy to see.
Fairfax Inova really has a great system in place at their ER. It was probably devised by wizards and warlocks because it is literally magical trickery. I showed up and was called within minutes. I thought, "how lucky am I, I am on my deathbed on the least busy day of the year at the hospital and they have called me FIRST!!!!" This sadly was not true. After Marissa and Luke took my vitals and plugged me up to some EKG thingy I was ushered into the SUB EMERGENCY ROOM. UM WHAT? WHAT THE HELL IS A SUB EMERGENCY ROOM?!?? It's a place where you sit for a painfully long time. It can only be compared to what I would think the depths of hell are like. Heather and I sat in the Sub ER for hours. We were there for so long that someone actually came and gave us each a blanket because we both started shivering (probably out of fear for my life). Other people came to the Sub ER and feared for their life just to be near the masked wonder that I was.
When I was finally seen by a doctor I was told I was going to have a flu swab. I'm not sure how many are you are familiar with a flu swab, but when I heard that phrase I thought for sure they were going to swab the inside of my cheek. That is NOT true. a flu swab consists of having two very lengthy q-tips stuck up each of your nostrils. And guess what . . . flu swabs are wrong FIFTY PERCENT OF THE TIME. Later they will tell me I do not have Swine Flu but I am sorry, I do not believe them, especially since this test is wrong half the time. I could have just flipped a coin to figure out of I had swine flu and it would have been a lot more pleasant than having sticks up my nose. Heads you have swine flu, tails you don't.
After having a multitude of tests done from a hospital bed hanging out in a hallway, I was wheeled into a room where there was a man on the other side of the curtain who was making the strangest noises I have ever heard. Heather and I were doing all the we could not to laugh out loud, but he was groaning, grunting, and farting. Yet, when asked what his pain was on a scale of 1 - 10 he responded that it was a THREE. The sounds we heard that day could only yield what I would imagine was a 20 on the pain scale.
After several tests, two large glasses of contrast, one IV, and a really awesome hospital roomie, I was asked to promptly pay half of my bill (which was a lie since it ended up costing me almost 10 times what I paid that day) while still hooked up to machines. I paid my bill and two hours later received permission to leave after what ended up being almost a 9 hour day at the Emergency Room all to find out I did NOT have Swine Flu according to a test that is wrong half the time.
I have to say, this was one of the worst experiences I have ever had. Whatever it was that I contracted I have to believe will be avoided with some sort of vaccination this fall. And if it isn't, life as I know it will probably come to an end, because I do not think I can go through that experience again. I don't own enough pairs of pajama's to survive the sweat. Basically, the moral of the story is, get the flu shot and any other shot that is offered to you from a clinic. It may save your life. Also, I have awesome friends. Thank you for putting your own life in danger to bring me medicine, soda, flowers, and even to the hospital. You guys are the best :-)
Friday, January 29, 2010
The Art of the Marriage Proposal
Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to share with you the Art of the Marriage Proposal.
This seems like such a simple thing. Let me tell you, it is not. There are so many ways that this can fail, and you really will want to think twice about your proposal scenario before you go through with it. Whether you are a guy proposing to a girl, or a girl proposing to a guy, or a guy proposing to a guy, or a girl proposing to a girl, or proposing to your pet, whatever, you should probably read this post and take a few simple hints.
Take for example the Sporting Event proposal. You ONLY participate in this kind of proposal IF: 1. The person you are proposing to literally will live and die for the sport AND 2. You are 100% without a dout certain that this person is saying yes. You are certain of this because THEY picked out the ring and probably threatened your life if you didn't propose within the next so many days/weeks/months etc. If, and only if, both of those items are true may you propose to your significant other at a sporting event. If NOT, you will end up like THIS GUY:
That is not something you want to be known for at the local arena/stadium or something you want plastered all over the internet. You also do not want to spend the night being comforted by the dude dressed up in the mascot outfit. If this is something you are about to do, I am telling you, PLEASE RECONSIDER unless you fall into BOTH of the two categories above.
A second proposal option, that may seem appealing, as it would probably fun/adventurous and maybe even considered quite romantic, that you should probably steer clear of is the hot air balloon proposal.
Just imagine, you are hundres of feet up in the air, miles away from home or land, floating through the clouds, enjoying the day and the view with your significant other who you have decided that you want to spend the rest of your life with. You do not under any circumstances ask this person to marry you while in this hot air balloon. Why you might ask? WHAT IF THEY SAY NO? Where on earth are you going to go? Are you just going to end it right then and there? Jump out of the balloon? You can't get mad and leave the room or cry and run away. There is literally NO WHERE TO GO. And the size of that little basket you're sitting in isn't too big. Please, just enjoy the moment, land the balloon, then ask. At least if they so no on land you have the ability to escape.
While we are on the topic of balloons, that brings me to my next point. I bet you've thought of this really clever idea: put the ring IN a balloon and then POP the question (so you put the ring in the balloon, pop it, and ask her to marry you). Before you go ahead and do this, let me provide you with a word of caution. You've now been saving up for a long time; you've bought an incredibly expensive ring, you think of this truly clever idea, you blow up the balloon, put the ring in it, and BAM, before you are able to pop it, the balloon flies away and so does your $12,000 engagement ring. BAD IDEA. Don't do it.
Along the same lines of putting the ring IN something. DO NOT, and I repeat DO NOT, put the ring IN food. That is so dangerous. Are you trying to get married, or kill someone with a really great cover story? You put that ring in a cookie, or in a glass of champagne, your boyfriend or girlfriend goes in for a bite/drink and bam, they've swallowed it, are choking on it, and die. I would refrain from doing this.
Hopefully these ideas weren't your top four. And, if they were, I'm sorry, it probably wasn't going to end well for you anyway. All I'm saying is, there is a right way and a wrong way to propose. These are some of the wrong ways.
This seems like such a simple thing. Let me tell you, it is not. There are so many ways that this can fail, and you really will want to think twice about your proposal scenario before you go through with it. Whether you are a guy proposing to a girl, or a girl proposing to a guy, or a guy proposing to a guy, or a girl proposing to a girl, or proposing to your pet, whatever, you should probably read this post and take a few simple hints.
Take for example the Sporting Event proposal. You ONLY participate in this kind of proposal IF: 1. The person you are proposing to literally will live and die for the sport AND 2. You are 100% without a dout certain that this person is saying yes. You are certain of this because THEY picked out the ring and probably threatened your life if you didn't propose within the next so many days/weeks/months etc. If, and only if, both of those items are true may you propose to your significant other at a sporting event. If NOT, you will end up like THIS GUY:
That is not something you want to be known for at the local arena/stadium or something you want plastered all over the internet. You also do not want to spend the night being comforted by the dude dressed up in the mascot outfit. If this is something you are about to do, I am telling you, PLEASE RECONSIDER unless you fall into BOTH of the two categories above.
A second proposal option, that may seem appealing, as it would probably fun/adventurous and maybe even considered quite romantic, that you should probably steer clear of is the hot air balloon proposal.
Just imagine, you are hundres of feet up in the air, miles away from home or land, floating through the clouds, enjoying the day and the view with your significant other who you have decided that you want to spend the rest of your life with. You do not under any circumstances ask this person to marry you while in this hot air balloon. Why you might ask? WHAT IF THEY SAY NO? Where on earth are you going to go? Are you just going to end it right then and there? Jump out of the balloon? You can't get mad and leave the room or cry and run away. There is literally NO WHERE TO GO. And the size of that little basket you're sitting in isn't too big. Please, just enjoy the moment, land the balloon, then ask. At least if they so no on land you have the ability to escape.
While we are on the topic of balloons, that brings me to my next point. I bet you've thought of this really clever idea: put the ring IN a balloon and then POP the question (so you put the ring in the balloon, pop it, and ask her to marry you). Before you go ahead and do this, let me provide you with a word of caution. You've now been saving up for a long time; you've bought an incredibly expensive ring, you think of this truly clever idea, you blow up the balloon, put the ring in it, and BAM, before you are able to pop it, the balloon flies away and so does your $12,000 engagement ring. BAD IDEA. Don't do it.
Along the same lines of putting the ring IN something. DO NOT, and I repeat DO NOT, put the ring IN food. That is so dangerous. Are you trying to get married, or kill someone with a really great cover story? You put that ring in a cookie, or in a glass of champagne, your boyfriend or girlfriend goes in for a bite/drink and bam, they've swallowed it, are choking on it, and die. I would refrain from doing this.
Hopefully these ideas weren't your top four. And, if they were, I'm sorry, it probably wasn't going to end well for you anyway. All I'm saying is, there is a right way and a wrong way to propose. These are some of the wrong ways.
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