Calm down crazy lady

Sometimes I think it is almost worth it to pay the $60 a month for the gym just so you don't have to deal with the stress of waiting for machines/cramming your workout into 30 minutes per machine. ESPECIALLY when one of the TWO treadmills at my apartment gym is currently out of service.

I hit up the gym today after I drove around for 30 minutes unable to locate my flag football game. Turns out it was cancelled anyway. So, I thought, its a nice Sunday most people will probably be running outside, which is something I hate, so I thought I wouldn't have to fight anyone for the treadmill today. I showed up to the gym and there was only one other person and she was riding a bike. There was a new sign about a machine sign up sheet, however there were no sign up sheets to be found, and I did look for about 15 seconds. So I hopped on the treadmill happily thinking that I would probably be able to run for as long as I wanted, this was not the case.

I was running for about 5 minutes when this really awesome lady showed up to the gym. There were so many incredible things about her. 1. She 100% was not wearing a bra, which I find offensive no matter what, but it is especially offensive at the gym when your boobs are going to be bouncing around. Seriously, come on lady. 2. She was wearing a tie die cotton tank top that was too small for her tucked into sweatpants. The too small shirt coupled with the no bra did not make for an acceptable combination at all. 3. She had a Walkman. She also brought a second cassette tape with her. So, after she'd been on her machine for about 5 minutes she switched to her second tape, causing her to have to pause her workout. I wanted to tell her that she should probably splurge for an ipod but I am guess maybe she couldn't afford it since she couldnt even afford a damn bra. I am working out next to this woman when crazy lady walks in.

At this point I have been on the treadmill for probably 10 minutes, which is 1/3 into my allotted time slot on a machine. Crazy lady didnt even think twice about getting onto an elliptical so I didn't even think for one second that she wanted to use the treadmill, which was a terrible assumption. Anyhow, not only did she not even glance over at the treadmill for use, but she also did not look by any means like someone who would want to run. She actually looked drunk. She looked like she had been laying out by a pool in South Beach for the last 36 hours with a cocktail in her hand the entire time. But also she simultaneously looked slightly like a homeless person. Her face was completely sun burnt, her hair looked like she stuck her finger in an electric socket, and she was wearing the first pair of sweat pants ever made (they were that old). I thought it was safe to assume she wasn't waiting for the treadmill, but believe me it wasn't. So, my 30 minutes ran up and no one was clearly 'waiting' for the treadmill so I thought I would hit up another 30 minutes and went to restart the treadmill when crazy lady literally blasted off of her machine and ran over to inform me she was waiting for the treadmill. I have never seen so much fury in a person's eyes. I was actually scared of this woman and I thought if she didn't murder me with her brute strength than she would for sure be able to put some sort of spell on me because she looked like the wife of a warlock. I will never again try to squeeze in any extra time on a machine at the gym. I might even have to buy a gym membership to avoid maniacs like this in the future. I might have nightmares about crazy lady now. In my nightmares she'll probably be hanging out with cats.

Personalized License Plates

After a long day of Olympic Curling and climbing up 400 stairs at the Bethesda metro station, I was really saddened on my drive back to Arlington. The car in front of me has the personalized license plate I have been waiting my entire life to get - BN A DIVA. How could they have possibly bumped me in line and stolen this license plate right from my grip? I will now spend the next 48 hours brainstorming on new license plate ideas although I can't think of a single one that could possibly top BN A DIVA.

Happy Valentine's Day

For this fabulous Valentine's Day weekend I had the pleasure of spending it with one of my good friend's Shannon. We had plans to go out in Dupont for a friend's birthday. The night did not turn out exactly as I had planned, but it was quite the evening none the less.

It all was supposed to start at Sesto Senso, which is precisely where it did start for Shannon and myself. Neither of us were too pleased to discover a $10 cover at the door, but it was all in the name of love/the birth of Whitney, so we buckled and paid up and got our neon green bracelets strapped on our wrists. We also weren't too thrilled about the $5 coat check, but we knew we'd be there all night and didn't want to carry our coats, so once again Sesto took more of our money. After we waited for about 8 minutes in a line that was one person long to check our coats (believe me, that is an unreasonable amount of time to wait for the coat check lady to hang up ONE coat and collect her five dollars), we wandered into the bar area. I thought it was odd because a lot of the people there seemed very young. Now that I'm 25, which isn't even old I might add, I do get that feeling sometimes at bars . . . like maybe I'm out at a college bar that all the fresh 21 year olds are coming to, so I chalked it up to that. However, I started to feel like I was actually amongst not just 21 year olds, but possibly 16 year olds, but again, I thought maybe I had one too many drinks before we came out and was just going a tad bit crazy. Shannon and I stopped at the bar to get a drink, and I'd like to note here that I was served immediately and the two bartenders standing behind the bar looked bored out of their mind. She handed me our drinks and Shannon and I looked for a spot to mingle while we waited for the rest of the birthday party participants to arrive. The farther I wandered into the bar area I noticed the drunkest people I had ever seen sloppily dancing with each other or making out in dark corners. I really was quite shocked . . . I hadn't really seen anything like this since college. Then I realized, these people ARE in college. No one had bracelets on, no one had drinks in their hands, and they were all hammered out of their mind because they had to get drunk BEFORE they came to bar since they wouldn't get served here. No wonder the bar was so desolate. It was then that the bouncer came through the crowd with his flashlight looking for minors drinking alcohol. I literally was in complete shock. I couldn't believe that Shannon and I had just spent $47 to come hang out with 18 year olds and was honestly quite confused as to why anyone would want to have their birthday at this place. The only thing that could have made it worse was if it were a Sorority Semi Formal . . . I'm Not a Playa I Just Crush A Lot . . . that's what our Tri Delta Semi Formal T-Shirt's said my senior year at JMU for Valentine's Day (sidenote: Sororities keep all T-Shirt companies in business. We buy T-Shirts for anything you could possibly think to buy a T-Shirt for and MORE).Anyway, I made Shannon text Whitney to see if this was actually where they were headed for her birthday. Apparently it was, but when they saw it had a cover they changed their mind. That would have been nice to know before I put myself into a situation where I was probably viewed as a desperate cougar , but Shannon wanted to make the best of it. So, we finished our drinks and I went to close my tab. As soon as we walked out the door of Sesto Senso I ripped my bracelet off out of pure embarrassment (although that was all null and void since I've admitted attending this bar here on my blog).

We moved on to the bar next door, Spot. By now I have been standing for almost an hour and I was wearing a brand new pair of shoes, extremely cute, but extremely uncomfortable and not broken in at all. Shannon and I had to take a seat at the roped off tables so that we could switch shoes for a half hour just so that I could regain circulation in my feet and not have to possibly amputate my toes later. While I was relishing in the freedom my feet felt, I was lucky to enjoy the hottest R&B hits with a glorious techno beat. This place was nice, not really my style, but at least it wasn't Sesto Senso. After a while we moved on to Ozio. If you have ever been to Ozio you will know that Shannon and I clearly did not belong here. It was hilarious, but it was at this point that I felt as though I might die if I had to stand any longer. So, we finally decided to head home after a great night of dancing and drinks and hanging out with youngsters for a quick 15 minutes at the start of the night. We gave our good byes and headed out to catch a cab.

The streets were a complete mess. I guess the snow/ice doesn't make people want to walk home or take the metro, so finding a cab was going to be difficult. It was going to be even more difficult due to the fact that now that I'd been out for almost 5 hours in the most uncomfortable shoes of my life, I could barely even walk. A few cabs drove by with their lights on and no passengers and when they find out where Shannon and I were headed just kept on driving. I seriously do not understand that. It isn't like I'm not going to pay you just because I am going to Arlington. Although, I did used to pull a little trick in Georgetown where I'd tell cabs I only had a certain amount of money and seem really desperate just to get home when I clearly had a lot of extra cash on me. Anyway, I was going to pay, and I would literally have given someone a 100% tip just to make it so I could take my shoes off sooner. But NO ONE would stop for us. Then, out of nowhere, these two guys came by and were trying to get ahead of us in line for getting a cab. I was probably the most unreasonably angry person there ever was at this point and if I hadn't already put my hand in snow to throw it at a cab, I probably would have tried to throw snow at these guys too. Foot pain apparently makes me a really terrible bitch. However, I did agree to share a cab with them and as soon as I was able to sit I literally became a new person.


All in all it was a great night. I did actually have a lot of fun despite the fact that it started at an 18 + bar (where, I did ask someone how old they were and their response was 'how old do you want me to be' in a really weird voice . . . um gross) and it ended with all of my toes being completely crushed by the cutest shoes ever. I am not sure I will be able to wear these again, if I do, it will be somewhere that I won't have to stand for more than 15 minutes at a time. Anyway, Valentine's Day ended with a lovely brunch at Whitlow's with my Valentine, Shannon. It was truly a fantastic weekend. And, another great thing about Valentine's Day . . . it's a great day to do laundry. I have never seen the laundry room so vacant on a Sunday!

A Collection of Weird Things People Do Before Work in the Morning

(YES - These are real life examples)

Play Solitaire. Really? You probably could've just stayed in bed the extra five minutes it takes you to win Solitaire.

Watch Movies. How in gods name is this possible? If you wake up with enough time to watch a movie (or more) than you should just go into work early and peace out at 3 pm so that you can take advantage of the normal hours in a day.

Do Work. You are about to go there. Why are you doing it before you go there? You probably should have finished that shit the day before.

Go to gas stations to make sure cigarette displays are set up correctly. Oh wait, thats not something someone does before work, that IS someone's work. That is my roommates job and he is about the only person in the world I know who should be able to watch a movie before he goes to work.

To Be Continued . . .

Ashley

There are so many characters (is that even the right word when they are 'real') on Real World DC that are terrible, ie all of them. I just have to say though, Ashley is by far the worst of them all. I think I would rather share a dark sewer with the worst roommate I've ever had while also living amongst many cats and pure filth than live with Ashley from Real World DC.

She is literally the most argumentative person I have ever seen. I actually think she loves to cause arguments, because the one thing she loves more than arguments are really serious talks that give her a chance to cry and tell everyone how much she desperately wants to be their friend. How about you skip the serious talk and the argument and then it may be a little easier for you to be someones friend? She has already had a serious talk with more than half of the other members of the house and I can just tell from the previews that there is another one coming up. There was the talk she had with Mike because she accused him of not being comfortable with his sexuality. Then there was the talk she had with the dude who wears the panda hat because he jokingly threw a pizza box at her after she chased him around the house with it and planted pizza in his bed. The pizza incident angered her so much that she had to stay in a hotel for the night, most likely to have a clear head so that she could plan out the serious talk that would follow in the next few days. That one was pure comedy. In the first episode she had a serious talk with Ty because he came at her religion, and let me point out that I have not heard one thing about her religion since this episode nor have I ever seen her attend any sort of church or even really mention God. The most recent serious talk happened on tonight's episode with Erica. I honestly had a hard time deciding who I hated more, but then I remembered how much I hate when people force you to have serious talks, and I immediately knew Ashley was the winner. For some reason I stayed tuned all the way through the end of the episode in time to see a preview of Ashley having a serious talk with Josh. I really can't wait to see what that one will be about because Josh is pretty much the most non existent Real World cast member that there ever was. I am actually surprised I even remembered his name.

In addition to arguing and LOVING serious talks, Ashely also thinks that it is 1987. She almost always has a section of her hair crimped and I have never seen a person wear so many large hoops of varying neon colors except maybe in a Go-Go's music video. Since when is it okay to go out every night in DC with bright blue or pink or golden eyeshadow accompanied by gigantic yellow hoops and crimped hair? I thought that was only normal at a LegWarmers concert, or like I said, in 1987.

I guess I will just continue to watch, hoping that Ashley will get so upset that her serious talks have literally gotten her nowhere and end up going back home, wherever that is. But until then, I will just have to cringe at the sight of her every time she graces my television, because even though this show is terrible, I won't stop watching it and that is the honest to god truth.

One Life to Live

We've had quite a bit of snow around here lately (some might call it a Snowtorious BIG) and I was working from home on Friday and yesterday, and hey maybe I will be tomorrow too. When I work from home I like to put the television on just to have some background sounds. But I need it to be something totally mindless that I would never get distracted from my work from and try to watch all day. So, lately, I've been enjoying a lot of Soap Net.

Now, I will definitely not go as far to say that I do not/have not ever enjoyed a good Soap Opera, because that would be a huge lie (and I hate liars). Everyone remembers (or at least they SHOULD) the good couple of years that we were entertained by Passions on NBC. Timmy the little midget running around with his Master Tabitha and her magical powers. And even though it never happened, we wanted so desperately for Teresita to end up with her beloved Ethan. Gwen or Mr. Crane always got in the way though. Sadly, that show is off the air. I guess I should be thankful for that too, otherwise I wouldn't be able to watch Soap Net when I was working from home because I'd be way too inclined to stare at the television all day rather than do my work.

So anyway, the point is, I've seen a lot of Soaps lately. And, it got me to thinking about the names of Soaps. Passions was clearly a good name - there was a lot of passion on that show. Teresa and Ethan, Eve and Mr. Crane, Mrs. Crane and the Cop Dude, Charity and Miguel, Miguel and Charity's cousin, it was all over the place, crazy passion. That was a good choice. General Hospital - pretty standard, they named it after their hospital. After all, there wouldn't be a Soap Opera without a hospital. Pretty much every single Soap Opera there is has most of their town residents employed either at the hospital or the police station. If you can't perform surgery or bust criminals then there really isn't anything there for you to do, besdies be a criminal I guess. Then there's All My Children - I guess that one is kind of like crap where are all my children, I have so many by so many different men in this town, they've all grown up at various rates (please see SORAS). I guess I can buy that. But the one that really gets me is One Life to Live. There seriously could not be a more false Soap Opera name. One life to live? Try as many lives as you want to live. As I recall, Stefano DiMera has died at least twelve times on Days of Our Lives, so I'm pretty sure he had way more than one life. Louis's gal pal on Passions (I totally forget her name) was burried alive and managed to come back from the dead. Again, more than one life. Reva Shayne on Guiding Light has certainly died more than once. I mean the list could go on. The point is, One Life to Live has absolutely no right to be naming their Soap Opera that. In the world of Soap Operas there are always multiple lives to live. I actually propose they change the name to Die Another Death. That one has much more meaning to it.

What is a Hip-Hopera?

By definition a Hip Hopera is a series of hip hop songs in the form of an opera. I bet you are excited already.

One day my roommate and I were googling (yes I used that as a verb) really stupid things after many games of beer pong to suppress our anger over that days football catastrophes. We watched some hilarious YouTube videos. Most of you probably know my favorites (they have been featured in this blog) . . . O-mazing Grace, Atlanta Grape Stomp, David goes to the Dentist, etc. While searching for hilarious videos to make us laugh we came across a Hip Hopera prodcued by the ever so popular (probably only to creeps and weirdos now) R Kelly.

R's (how can your first name literally just be a letter????) Hip Hopera is called Trapped in the Closet. According to Wikipedia, "the songs tell the story of a one-night stand that sets off a chain of events, which gradually reveals a greater web of lies, sex, and deceit." I am going to save you some time right now, and tell you what happens, and then you can decide if the makers of the opera had this in mind for a way to tell stories.

R Kelly cheats on his wife with some chick he met at a club. In the morning when he tries to leave the chick's husband comes home. He finds R there and gets pissed, which is a normal reaction, except for the fact that he then admits that he also has cheated on his wife, but with a gay man. After a drawn out fight between the wife, the hubby, and the gay lover, R peaces out of that joint and speeds home only to get pulled over by a cop who ends up being his wife's lover (of course she is cheating too). R and the cop get in a crazy fight over his wife at the house and they 'accidentally' shoot R's brother in law. After the accidental shooting, the cop heads home to his wife only to find out that she is also cheating on him, but wait for it . . . she's cheating on him with a midget. When the midget is revealed, he actually shits in his pants and then passes out, which just adds another truly unreal and disgusting twist to this lovely Hip Hopera. The cop's wife then admits not only is she cheating with this midget, but that she is also preggers with the midget's baby. Also, the midget's name is ironically Big Man. In the midst of watching all of this fantastic acting and mesmerizing scenes, you will be extremely pleased to know that R Kelly sings every single part for each person. So, you guessed it, you get to hear him sing in a high pitched southern accent which just so happens to be my favorite part of this true work of art.

This only covers chapters 1 through 12. And guess what, there are 22 chapters. AND, R Kelly has even made 15 more chapters that he has promised to release when the public demands it. I'm sorry but WHEN does he expect that to happen? When is anyone going to be demanding to find out what happens't to that midget's baby. And, even if you did want to find out, I'm not really sure where you are supposed to submit your demands to. I think R just may be sitting on those videos for a while. And you know what, thats probably A OK with Jacopo Peri, who I would assume, didn't really have this in mind when he wrote his first opera in 1597.