Calm down crazy lady

Sometimes I think it is almost worth it to pay the $60 a month for the gym just so you don't have to deal with the stress of waiting for machines/cramming your workout into 30 minutes per machine. ESPECIALLY when one of the TWO treadmills at my apartment gym is currently out of service.

I hit up the gym today after I drove around for 30 minutes unable to locate my flag football game. Turns out it was cancelled anyway. So, I thought, its a nice Sunday most people will probably be running outside, which is something I hate, so I thought I wouldn't have to fight anyone for the treadmill today. I showed up to the gym and there was only one other person and she was riding a bike. There was a new sign about a machine sign up sheet, however there were no sign up sheets to be found, and I did look for about 15 seconds. So I hopped on the treadmill happily thinking that I would probably be able to run for as long as I wanted, this was not the case.

I was running for about 5 minutes when this really awesome lady showed up to the gym. There were so many incredible things about her. 1. She 100% was not wearing a bra, which I find offensive no matter what, but it is especially offensive at the gym when your boobs are going to be bouncing around. Seriously, come on lady. 2. She was wearing a tie die cotton tank top that was too small for her tucked into sweatpants. The too small shirt coupled with the no bra did not make for an acceptable combination at all. 3. She had a Walkman. She also brought a second cassette tape with her. So, after she'd been on her machine for about 5 minutes she switched to her second tape, causing her to have to pause her workout. I wanted to tell her that she should probably splurge for an ipod but I am guess maybe she couldn't afford it since she couldnt even afford a damn bra. I am working out next to this woman when crazy lady walks in.

At this point I have been on the treadmill for probably 10 minutes, which is 1/3 into my allotted time slot on a machine. Crazy lady didnt even think twice about getting onto an elliptical so I didn't even think for one second that she wanted to use the treadmill, which was a terrible assumption. Anyhow, not only did she not even glance over at the treadmill for use, but she also did not look by any means like someone who would want to run. She actually looked drunk. She looked like she had been laying out by a pool in South Beach for the last 36 hours with a cocktail in her hand the entire time. But also she simultaneously looked slightly like a homeless person. Her face was completely sun burnt, her hair looked like she stuck her finger in an electric socket, and she was wearing the first pair of sweat pants ever made (they were that old). I thought it was safe to assume she wasn't waiting for the treadmill, but believe me it wasn't. So, my 30 minutes ran up and no one was clearly 'waiting' for the treadmill so I thought I would hit up another 30 minutes and went to restart the treadmill when crazy lady literally blasted off of her machine and ran over to inform me she was waiting for the treadmill. I have never seen so much fury in a person's eyes. I was actually scared of this woman and I thought if she didn't murder me with her brute strength than she would for sure be able to put some sort of spell on me because she looked like the wife of a warlock. I will never again try to squeeze in any extra time on a machine at the gym. I might even have to buy a gym membership to avoid maniacs like this in the future. I might have nightmares about crazy lady now. In my nightmares she'll probably be hanging out with cats.

Personalized License Plates

After a long day of Olympic Curling and climbing up 400 stairs at the Bethesda metro station, I was really saddened on my drive back to Arlington. The car in front of me has the personalized license plate I have been waiting my entire life to get - BN A DIVA. How could they have possibly bumped me in line and stolen this license plate right from my grip? I will now spend the next 48 hours brainstorming on new license plate ideas although I can't think of a single one that could possibly top BN A DIVA.

Happy Valentine's Day

For this fabulous Valentine's Day weekend I had the pleasure of spending it with one of my good friend's Shannon. We had plans to go out in Dupont for a friend's birthday. The night did not turn out exactly as I had planned, but it was quite the evening none the less.

It all was supposed to start at Sesto Senso, which is precisely where it did start for Shannon and myself. Neither of us were too pleased to discover a $10 cover at the door, but it was all in the name of love/the birth of Whitney, so we buckled and paid up and got our neon green bracelets strapped on our wrists. We also weren't too thrilled about the $5 coat check, but we knew we'd be there all night and didn't want to carry our coats, so once again Sesto took more of our money. After we waited for about 8 minutes in a line that was one person long to check our coats (believe me, that is an unreasonable amount of time to wait for the coat check lady to hang up ONE coat and collect her five dollars), we wandered into the bar area. I thought it was odd because a lot of the people there seemed very young. Now that I'm 25, which isn't even old I might add, I do get that feeling sometimes at bars . . . like maybe I'm out at a college bar that all the fresh 21 year olds are coming to, so I chalked it up to that. However, I started to feel like I was actually amongst not just 21 year olds, but possibly 16 year olds, but again, I thought maybe I had one too many drinks before we came out and was just going a tad bit crazy. Shannon and I stopped at the bar to get a drink, and I'd like to note here that I was served immediately and the two bartenders standing behind the bar looked bored out of their mind. She handed me our drinks and Shannon and I looked for a spot to mingle while we waited for the rest of the birthday party participants to arrive. The farther I wandered into the bar area I noticed the drunkest people I had ever seen sloppily dancing with each other or making out in dark corners. I really was quite shocked . . . I hadn't really seen anything like this since college. Then I realized, these people ARE in college. No one had bracelets on, no one had drinks in their hands, and they were all hammered out of their mind because they had to get drunk BEFORE they came to bar since they wouldn't get served here. No wonder the bar was so desolate. It was then that the bouncer came through the crowd with his flashlight looking for minors drinking alcohol. I literally was in complete shock. I couldn't believe that Shannon and I had just spent $47 to come hang out with 18 year olds and was honestly quite confused as to why anyone would want to have their birthday at this place. The only thing that could have made it worse was if it were a Sorority Semi Formal . . . I'm Not a Playa I Just Crush A Lot . . . that's what our Tri Delta Semi Formal T-Shirt's said my senior year at JMU for Valentine's Day (sidenote: Sororities keep all T-Shirt companies in business. We buy T-Shirts for anything you could possibly think to buy a T-Shirt for and MORE).Anyway, I made Shannon text Whitney to see if this was actually where they were headed for her birthday. Apparently it was, but when they saw it had a cover they changed their mind. That would have been nice to know before I put myself into a situation where I was probably viewed as a desperate cougar , but Shannon wanted to make the best of it. So, we finished our drinks and I went to close my tab. As soon as we walked out the door of Sesto Senso I ripped my bracelet off out of pure embarrassment (although that was all null and void since I've admitted attending this bar here on my blog).

We moved on to the bar next door, Spot. By now I have been standing for almost an hour and I was wearing a brand new pair of shoes, extremely cute, but extremely uncomfortable and not broken in at all. Shannon and I had to take a seat at the roped off tables so that we could switch shoes for a half hour just so that I could regain circulation in my feet and not have to possibly amputate my toes later. While I was relishing in the freedom my feet felt, I was lucky to enjoy the hottest R&B hits with a glorious techno beat. This place was nice, not really my style, but at least it wasn't Sesto Senso. After a while we moved on to Ozio. If you have ever been to Ozio you will know that Shannon and I clearly did not belong here. It was hilarious, but it was at this point that I felt as though I might die if I had to stand any longer. So, we finally decided to head home after a great night of dancing and drinks and hanging out with youngsters for a quick 15 minutes at the start of the night. We gave our good byes and headed out to catch a cab.

The streets were a complete mess. I guess the snow/ice doesn't make people want to walk home or take the metro, so finding a cab was going to be difficult. It was going to be even more difficult due to the fact that now that I'd been out for almost 5 hours in the most uncomfortable shoes of my life, I could barely even walk. A few cabs drove by with their lights on and no passengers and when they find out where Shannon and I were headed just kept on driving. I seriously do not understand that. It isn't like I'm not going to pay you just because I am going to Arlington. Although, I did used to pull a little trick in Georgetown where I'd tell cabs I only had a certain amount of money and seem really desperate just to get home when I clearly had a lot of extra cash on me. Anyway, I was going to pay, and I would literally have given someone a 100% tip just to make it so I could take my shoes off sooner. But NO ONE would stop for us. Then, out of nowhere, these two guys came by and were trying to get ahead of us in line for getting a cab. I was probably the most unreasonably angry person there ever was at this point and if I hadn't already put my hand in snow to throw it at a cab, I probably would have tried to throw snow at these guys too. Foot pain apparently makes me a really terrible bitch. However, I did agree to share a cab with them and as soon as I was able to sit I literally became a new person.


All in all it was a great night. I did actually have a lot of fun despite the fact that it started at an 18 + bar (where, I did ask someone how old they were and their response was 'how old do you want me to be' in a really weird voice . . . um gross) and it ended with all of my toes being completely crushed by the cutest shoes ever. I am not sure I will be able to wear these again, if I do, it will be somewhere that I won't have to stand for more than 15 minutes at a time. Anyway, Valentine's Day ended with a lovely brunch at Whitlow's with my Valentine, Shannon. It was truly a fantastic weekend. And, another great thing about Valentine's Day . . . it's a great day to do laundry. I have never seen the laundry room so vacant on a Sunday!

A Collection of Weird Things People Do Before Work in the Morning

(YES - These are real life examples)

Play Solitaire. Really? You probably could've just stayed in bed the extra five minutes it takes you to win Solitaire.

Watch Movies. How in gods name is this possible? If you wake up with enough time to watch a movie (or more) than you should just go into work early and peace out at 3 pm so that you can take advantage of the normal hours in a day.

Do Work. You are about to go there. Why are you doing it before you go there? You probably should have finished that shit the day before.

Go to gas stations to make sure cigarette displays are set up correctly. Oh wait, thats not something someone does before work, that IS someone's work. That is my roommates job and he is about the only person in the world I know who should be able to watch a movie before he goes to work.

To Be Continued . . .

Ashley

There are so many characters (is that even the right word when they are 'real') on Real World DC that are terrible, ie all of them. I just have to say though, Ashley is by far the worst of them all. I think I would rather share a dark sewer with the worst roommate I've ever had while also living amongst many cats and pure filth than live with Ashley from Real World DC.

She is literally the most argumentative person I have ever seen. I actually think she loves to cause arguments, because the one thing she loves more than arguments are really serious talks that give her a chance to cry and tell everyone how much she desperately wants to be their friend. How about you skip the serious talk and the argument and then it may be a little easier for you to be someones friend? She has already had a serious talk with more than half of the other members of the house and I can just tell from the previews that there is another one coming up. There was the talk she had with Mike because she accused him of not being comfortable with his sexuality. Then there was the talk she had with the dude who wears the panda hat because he jokingly threw a pizza box at her after she chased him around the house with it and planted pizza in his bed. The pizza incident angered her so much that she had to stay in a hotel for the night, most likely to have a clear head so that she could plan out the serious talk that would follow in the next few days. That one was pure comedy. In the first episode she had a serious talk with Ty because he came at her religion, and let me point out that I have not heard one thing about her religion since this episode nor have I ever seen her attend any sort of church or even really mention God. The most recent serious talk happened on tonight's episode with Erica. I honestly had a hard time deciding who I hated more, but then I remembered how much I hate when people force you to have serious talks, and I immediately knew Ashley was the winner. For some reason I stayed tuned all the way through the end of the episode in time to see a preview of Ashley having a serious talk with Josh. I really can't wait to see what that one will be about because Josh is pretty much the most non existent Real World cast member that there ever was. I am actually surprised I even remembered his name.

In addition to arguing and LOVING serious talks, Ashely also thinks that it is 1987. She almost always has a section of her hair crimped and I have never seen a person wear so many large hoops of varying neon colors except maybe in a Go-Go's music video. Since when is it okay to go out every night in DC with bright blue or pink or golden eyeshadow accompanied by gigantic yellow hoops and crimped hair? I thought that was only normal at a LegWarmers concert, or like I said, in 1987.

I guess I will just continue to watch, hoping that Ashley will get so upset that her serious talks have literally gotten her nowhere and end up going back home, wherever that is. But until then, I will just have to cringe at the sight of her every time she graces my television, because even though this show is terrible, I won't stop watching it and that is the honest to god truth.

One Life to Live

We've had quite a bit of snow around here lately (some might call it a Snowtorious BIG) and I was working from home on Friday and yesterday, and hey maybe I will be tomorrow too. When I work from home I like to put the television on just to have some background sounds. But I need it to be something totally mindless that I would never get distracted from my work from and try to watch all day. So, lately, I've been enjoying a lot of Soap Net.

Now, I will definitely not go as far to say that I do not/have not ever enjoyed a good Soap Opera, because that would be a huge lie (and I hate liars). Everyone remembers (or at least they SHOULD) the good couple of years that we were entertained by Passions on NBC. Timmy the little midget running around with his Master Tabitha and her magical powers. And even though it never happened, we wanted so desperately for Teresita to end up with her beloved Ethan. Gwen or Mr. Crane always got in the way though. Sadly, that show is off the air. I guess I should be thankful for that too, otherwise I wouldn't be able to watch Soap Net when I was working from home because I'd be way too inclined to stare at the television all day rather than do my work.

So anyway, the point is, I've seen a lot of Soaps lately. And, it got me to thinking about the names of Soaps. Passions was clearly a good name - there was a lot of passion on that show. Teresa and Ethan, Eve and Mr. Crane, Mrs. Crane and the Cop Dude, Charity and Miguel, Miguel and Charity's cousin, it was all over the place, crazy passion. That was a good choice. General Hospital - pretty standard, they named it after their hospital. After all, there wouldn't be a Soap Opera without a hospital. Pretty much every single Soap Opera there is has most of their town residents employed either at the hospital or the police station. If you can't perform surgery or bust criminals then there really isn't anything there for you to do, besdies be a criminal I guess. Then there's All My Children - I guess that one is kind of like crap where are all my children, I have so many by so many different men in this town, they've all grown up at various rates (please see SORAS). I guess I can buy that. But the one that really gets me is One Life to Live. There seriously could not be a more false Soap Opera name. One life to live? Try as many lives as you want to live. As I recall, Stefano DiMera has died at least twelve times on Days of Our Lives, so I'm pretty sure he had way more than one life. Louis's gal pal on Passions (I totally forget her name) was burried alive and managed to come back from the dead. Again, more than one life. Reva Shayne on Guiding Light has certainly died more than once. I mean the list could go on. The point is, One Life to Live has absolutely no right to be naming their Soap Opera that. In the world of Soap Operas there are always multiple lives to live. I actually propose they change the name to Die Another Death. That one has much more meaning to it.

What is a Hip-Hopera?

By definition a Hip Hopera is a series of hip hop songs in the form of an opera. I bet you are excited already.

One day my roommate and I were googling (yes I used that as a verb) really stupid things after many games of beer pong to suppress our anger over that days football catastrophes. We watched some hilarious YouTube videos. Most of you probably know my favorites (they have been featured in this blog) . . . O-mazing Grace, Atlanta Grape Stomp, David goes to the Dentist, etc. While searching for hilarious videos to make us laugh we came across a Hip Hopera prodcued by the ever so popular (probably only to creeps and weirdos now) R Kelly.

R's (how can your first name literally just be a letter????) Hip Hopera is called Trapped in the Closet. According to Wikipedia, "the songs tell the story of a one-night stand that sets off a chain of events, which gradually reveals a greater web of lies, sex, and deceit." I am going to save you some time right now, and tell you what happens, and then you can decide if the makers of the opera had this in mind for a way to tell stories.

R Kelly cheats on his wife with some chick he met at a club. In the morning when he tries to leave the chick's husband comes home. He finds R there and gets pissed, which is a normal reaction, except for the fact that he then admits that he also has cheated on his wife, but with a gay man. After a drawn out fight between the wife, the hubby, and the gay lover, R peaces out of that joint and speeds home only to get pulled over by a cop who ends up being his wife's lover (of course she is cheating too). R and the cop get in a crazy fight over his wife at the house and they 'accidentally' shoot R's brother in law. After the accidental shooting, the cop heads home to his wife only to find out that she is also cheating on him, but wait for it . . . she's cheating on him with a midget. When the midget is revealed, he actually shits in his pants and then passes out, which just adds another truly unreal and disgusting twist to this lovely Hip Hopera. The cop's wife then admits not only is she cheating with this midget, but that she is also preggers with the midget's baby. Also, the midget's name is ironically Big Man. In the midst of watching all of this fantastic acting and mesmerizing scenes, you will be extremely pleased to know that R Kelly sings every single part for each person. So, you guessed it, you get to hear him sing in a high pitched southern accent which just so happens to be my favorite part of this true work of art.

This only covers chapters 1 through 12. And guess what, there are 22 chapters. AND, R Kelly has even made 15 more chapters that he has promised to release when the public demands it. I'm sorry but WHEN does he expect that to happen? When is anyone going to be demanding to find out what happens't to that midget's baby. And, even if you did want to find out, I'm not really sure where you are supposed to submit your demands to. I think R just may be sitting on those videos for a while. And you know what, thats probably A OK with Jacopo Peri, who I would assume, didn't really have this in mind when he wrote his first opera in 1597.

False Advertising

something that really annoys me is false advertising. it really doesnt matter what is being advertised, but if it's false, it really bugs me. If you know me, you know that I seriously hate liars, and thats the what I see false advertising as, a big lie.

When I drive to work in the morning, I exit off of 66 to get onto the toll road. before i hit toll plaza, I'm driving along the service road. there is a lot of construction going on in the middle. i am not really sure whats going on over there, it is seriously a jumbled mess. i thought they were building a metro but it looks quite questionable. but that is beside the point. what really grinds my gears is that i'll be driving along, and all of a sudden i'll see a sign: Left Lane Ends Ahead. Then another one. Then a sign that portrays a visual of the left lane ending ahead. But guess what . . . the left lane never ends. it continues on all the way down the service road, through toll plaza and to my office. If by ahead, they meant more than 15 miles away from where they've placed the sign, then maybe it does end. but it definitely doesn't disappear or end soon after that sign as a normal functioning human being might think (i realize that a large percentage of people may not be normal functioning human beings, but they should probably just stay home from work and avoid the sign altogether). After seeing the sign for about 3 months you realize that it is clearly false advertising (you actually realize this after two days unless you are one of the aforementioned people). But then today, they decided to put a new shinier sign up that says the left lane is closing ahead. seriously, why are they lying? the lane doesnt close or end at all. it causes drivers to freak out and move over and then we have everyone jamming on their breaks causing a little hold up right before the road splits for the airport. it's ridiculous. and deceitful. and completely false advertising.

Things I Do Not/Will Not Ever Understand

People Who Committ Easily Traceable, Jailable Crimes - Such as the two old ladies who murdered homeless men that they had just taken out life insurance policies on. Um really? Thats like robbing a bank, waving at the security camera, and spelling out your name and address for them to find you.

Some of the Applications on Facebook - Seriously, someone just sent me a Petville Gift Request. What the hell is that? Is Petville like the lame version of Farmville? And what is Farmville even supposed to be? Is this a place where adults can go online and take care of animals, because if so that is absolutely the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.

How Comcast is Still in Business - Does anyone actually like Comcast? I am pretty sure that anyone who actually has a choice in what cable company they have does not do business with Comcast. The only time I liked Comcast was that one time when they . . . oh wait, I never liked Comcast.

Why Ricky Martin isn't Cool Anymore - Come on. He sang The Cup of Life and Livin La Vida Loca. Annnnddd he was in Menudo!! He's such a stud. To quote the great Ricky, "I am a modern man, live a full life, do not feel any barriers inside myself." What's not to love?

The Way People Drive in the Snow - Last year I was coming to work one early Feburary morning and there was a light dusting of snow on the ground. I would say max 1.5 inches. On my way to work I saw at least four cars in a ditch, and one white van not only in a ditch but also facing the wrong direction. I'm sorry, but HOW does that happen? Because it is snowing do you automatically go into Mario Kart mode and try to dodge snowflakes on the road allowing you to hit other cars and spin out completely into a ditch? Seriously, just drive like a normal person or don't drive at all.

Whoopi Goldberg - In general, as a person, I don't understand her. First off, her name is actually Caryn. Why would you CHOOSE to go by Whoopi? She is famous, she could have literally gone by anything she wanted, she could have been called Princess Jasmine or Fairy Star or Queen Liberty, but instead she chose Whoopi? She also doesn't fly on airplanes which is weird. She instead travels coast to coast by bus. And, I can't confirm or deny this but she is probably friends with Rosie, and I seriously cannot stand Rosie.

People Who are in the Wrong Line of Work

My 6th Grade Bus Driver - In 6th grade I had this bus driver, I think her name was Jeanette, she was clearly in the wrong line of work. Every single day she listened to Coolio's Gangsta's Paradise on repeat for the entire bus ride. Clearly this bus driver would rather have been Coolio's tour bus driver or maybe even a backup thug for him. Driving school aged children who shouldnt even be listening to Gangstas Paradise though was unfortunately all that was in the cards for her.

Sylvia, the Grocery Store Bagger - Today I encountered a grocery store bagger that really should have been in a different line of work. Her name was Sylvia and she worked at my local Giant. Sylvia looked as though she was 15 and hated her life. She also could have been working the street corner after work by the amount of eye liner she had caked on. She really showed her appreciation for the customer and gave quite a display of how much she truly enjoyed her job by savoring each and every second of bagging. She literally bagged slower than anyone i have ever seen in my entire life. My two year old niece could have bagged my groceries faster than Sylvia.

Various Past Gym Teachers of Mine - Well, first off, they'd all be pissed that I was calling them a 'Gym' Teacher, because they are actually Physical Education Teachers. Lets just say all of my gym teachers, and all of your gym teachers probably fall into this category. What person grows up and says to them self, "Gee, I can't wait to become a Physical Education Teacher and TEACH kids how to play Capture the Flag!" First off, how much teaching was there really involved in Capture the Flag? I'm pretty sure it was just splitting the class in half and putting a flag on two sides of a field and then setting a hula hoop somewhere to represent 'jail.' At least thats how I remember it. If I'm wrong then I obviously wasn't taught very well. While we all really loved playing Capture the Flag in Gym Class, I am almost certain it wasn't my middle aged gym teachers main goal in life. They probably wanted to be some sort of professional athlete or professional coach but didn't make the cut, AT ALL.

Lady Gaga - I say this with a complete and total bias because I literally despise Lady Gaga with everything in my being. Instead of being a singer, she should probably become part of a traveling circus. WHAT IN GODS NAME IS SHE? She's a freak. And the circus is precisely where freaks belong. I really have had enough with seeing her on tv or in magazines with her hair tied in bows, or her face completely covered with what can only be described as a bloody red bird's nest. She is absolutely without a doubt in the wrong line of work in my opinion.

My (Swine) Flu Experience

Think back to the Spring of 2009. There was an outbreak of the Swine Flu in Mexico that soon brought a few cases to the US. Before we knew it there were over 2 people in the United States that had swine flu. We quickly had a international pandemic on our hands. Fast forward to early fall. There was a limited supply of regular flu and swine flu vaccinations, so naturally I thought I would let the elderly and babies have the shots. I was literally just trying to be a model citizen. I thought that my healthy, young, 25 year old body could fight off the flu, or handle it if by some stroke of the devil's hand I contracted it. Boy was I wrong. Next year I will literally be doing whatever it takes to get a flu shot well before the season begins, and believe me, if you experienced what I did you would do the same.

It all started one Monday night as I was enjoying a lovely meal at my good friend Sarah Budi's house. We were putting together the Evite for the most serious and what ended up being the dirtiest Christmas Gift Exchange to ever exist (people fighting over Snuggies, Guinness Glasses, and Waffle Makers like I have never seen). This was for sure where I contracted the deadly virus.

The next morning I definitely felt sick but since I have an extremely unhealthy dedication to my job I went to work anyway. Within 1 hour I was sweating profusely through my clothes and felt like I was going to pass out at my desk so I thought I should probably go home before I became quarantined to my office. The next four days were spent close to death while watching soap net and sweating more than Gary Williams in the last 40 seconds of the Terps loss to Clemson. This is what leads to my lovely Friday Emergency Room visit and what later ends up being almost $1000 in hospital bills owed to the glorious Fairfax Invoa hospital.

Let me tell you, I had quite a day in the ER. Thankfully I have fantastic friends, and Heather came and picked my sorry ass up so that I wouldn't die in the confines of my apartment. She took me to the hospital where I was promptly greeted with a surgical mask as to not spread my hellish germs to others. Sadly I had opted to wear my glasses that day purely because I literally did not even have the strength to put contact lenses in. The glasses/surgical mask combo did not work very well. I was fogging my glasses up at least once a minute. This made it really easy to see.

Fairfax Inova really has a great system in place at their ER. It was probably devised by wizards and warlocks because it is literally magical trickery. I showed up and was called within minutes. I thought, "how lucky am I, I am on my deathbed on the least busy day of the year at the hospital and they have called me FIRST!!!!" This sadly was not true. After Marissa and Luke took my vitals and plugged me up to some EKG thingy I was ushered into the SUB EMERGENCY ROOM. UM WHAT? WHAT THE HELL IS A SUB EMERGENCY ROOM?!?? It's a place where you sit for a painfully long time. It can only be compared to what I would think the depths of hell are like. Heather and I sat in the Sub ER for hours. We were there for so long that someone actually came and gave us each a blanket because we both started shivering (probably out of fear for my life). Other people came to the Sub ER and feared for their life just to be near the masked wonder that I was.

When I was finally seen by a doctor I was told I was going to have a flu swab. I'm not sure how many are you are familiar with a flu swab, but when I heard that phrase I thought for sure they were going to swab the inside of my cheek. That is NOT true. a flu swab consists of having two very lengthy q-tips stuck up each of your nostrils. And guess what . . . flu swabs are wrong FIFTY PERCENT OF THE TIME. Later they will tell me I do not have Swine Flu but I am sorry, I do not believe them, especially since this test is wrong half the time. I could have just flipped a coin to figure out of I had swine flu and it would have been a lot more pleasant than having sticks up my nose. Heads you have swine flu, tails you don't.

After having a multitude of tests done from a hospital bed hanging out in a hallway, I was wheeled into a room where there was a man on the other side of the curtain who was making the strangest noises I have ever heard. Heather and I were doing all the we could not to laugh out loud, but he was groaning, grunting, and farting. Yet, when asked what his pain was on a scale of 1 - 10 he responded that it was a THREE. The sounds we heard that day could only yield what I would imagine was a 20 on the pain scale.

After several tests, two large glasses of contrast, one IV, and a really awesome hospital roomie, I was asked to promptly pay half of my bill (which was a lie since it ended up costing me almost 10 times what I paid that day) while still hooked up to machines. I paid my bill and two hours later received permission to leave after what ended up being almost a 9 hour day at the Emergency Room all to find out I did NOT have Swine Flu according to a test that is wrong half the time.

I have to say, this was one of the worst experiences I have ever had. Whatever it was that I contracted I have to believe will be avoided with some sort of vaccination this fall. And if it isn't, life as I know it will probably come to an end, because I do not think I can go through that experience again. I don't own enough pairs of pajama's to survive the sweat. Basically, the moral of the story is, get the flu shot and any other shot that is offered to you from a clinic. It may save your life. Also, I have awesome friends. Thank you for putting your own life in danger to bring me medicine, soda, flowers, and even to the hospital. You guys are the best :-)

The Art of the Marriage Proposal

Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to share with you the Art of the Marriage Proposal.

This seems like such a simple thing. Let me tell you, it is not. There are so many ways that this can fail, and you really will want to think twice about your proposal scenario before you go through with it. Whether you are a guy proposing to a girl, or a girl proposing to a guy, or a guy proposing to a guy, or a girl proposing to a girl, or proposing to your pet, whatever, you should probably read this post and take a few simple hints.

Take for example the Sporting Event proposal. You ONLY participate in this kind of proposal IF: 1. The person you are proposing to literally will live and die for the sport AND 2. You are 100% without a dout certain that this person is saying yes. You are certain of this because THEY picked out the ring and probably threatened your life if you didn't propose within the next so many days/weeks/months etc. If, and only if, both of those items are true may you propose to your significant other at a sporting event. If NOT, you will end up like THIS GUY:





That is not something you want to be known for at the local arena/stadium or something you want plastered all over the internet. You also do not want to spend the night being comforted by the dude dressed up in the mascot outfit. If this is something you are about to do, I am telling you, PLEASE RECONSIDER unless you fall into BOTH of the two categories above.

A second proposal option, that may seem appealing, as it would probably fun/adventurous and maybe even considered quite romantic, that you should probably steer clear of is the hot air balloon proposal.

Just imagine, you are hundres of feet up in the air, miles away from home or land, floating through the clouds, enjoying the day and the view with your significant other who you have decided that you want to spend the rest of your life with. You do not under any circumstances ask this person to marry you while in this hot air balloon. Why you might ask? WHAT IF THEY SAY NO? Where on earth are you going to go? Are you just going to end it right then and there? Jump out of the balloon? You can't get mad and leave the room or cry and run away. There is literally NO WHERE TO GO. And the size of that little basket you're sitting in isn't too big. Please, just enjoy the moment, land the balloon, then ask. At least if they so no on land you have the ability to escape.

While we are on the topic of balloons, that brings me to my next point. I bet you've thought of this really clever idea: put the ring IN a balloon and then POP the question (so you put the ring in the balloon, pop it, and ask her to marry you). Before you go ahead and do this, let me provide you with a word of caution. You've now been saving up for a long time; you've bought an incredibly expensive ring, you think of this truly clever idea, you blow up the balloon, put the ring in it, and BAM, before you are able to pop it, the balloon flies away and so does your $12,000 engagement ring. BAD IDEA. Don't do it.

Along the same lines of putting the ring IN something. DO NOT, and I repeat DO NOT, put the ring IN food. That is so dangerous. Are you trying to get married, or kill someone with a really great cover story? You put that ring in a cookie, or in a glass of champagne, your boyfriend or girlfriend goes in for a bite/drink and bam, they've swallowed it, are choking on it, and die. I would refrain from doing this.

Hopefully these ideas weren't your top four. And, if they were, I'm sorry, it probably wasn't going to end well for you anyway. All I'm saying is, there is a right way and a wrong way to propose. These are some of the wrong ways.