Poolside Sightings

Today's Pool Sightings Include:

Two people straight from 1982, yet they were not at the pool together. The first was a man wearing a bathing suit with neon green, pink, and blue squares. He also appeared to have crimped his hair this morning before running down to the pool with his rainbow shaded aviators. Surprisingly he was not with the other woman who just got out of her time machine from 1982. She came to the pool with a friend who was wearing a trucker hat decked out with gem stones. That's right, she bedazzled her trucker hat. 1982 girl was wearing the brightest orange bathing suit I have ever seen. It was so bright it hurt my eyes just to look in her direction. It was high cut and barely covered her ass. She also had on a red visor.

There were also the typical poolside lovers. I am not sure why people feel the need to cuddle in the pool and make out as if they were in their own private hot tub at Sandals Spa Resort. HELLO! There are other people at the pool with you. Some of them are actually small children and they don't need to be witnesses to a hot and heavy love affair in the deep end of the pool. Stay in your apartment or save it for later. I think you'll be ok. Also, laying in pool chairs next to your boyfriend and holding hands while you lay in your chair is so incredibly lame. Please refrain from doing that.

The skinniest woman alive was also at the pool today. The last time I saw her she was shamefully sliding down a swirling, blue plastic slide in our playground. She tried to wait until she wasn't in my line of sight anymore, but I did see her go down that slide. Maybe that's her prize after she works out for 19 hours at the gym.

Located right by the children's pool (probably to check out the hot moms) was extremely red man. It was about 100 degrees today so I am not sure why he didn't feel the sun beating down on him causing him to get extreme third degree burns on his chest, but I guess he thought it was ok to continue laying out as his skin got increasingly redder than a lobster.

Please stay tuned for further updates on the interesting characters that attend my pool.

The Locker Room

My new apartment building has its own gym, albeit small, there are several reasons why I am glad to not have to attend Sport and Health any longer. Of course the financial benefit is great since I now don't have to pay a monthly membership fee. The convenience has also turned out to be superb. I can go to the gym at any time I feel like it and all I have to do is walk down stairs. However, one of the greatest benefits of having my a gym in my building is the fact that I no longer have to expose myself to the locker room. After I finish working out, I can go right upstairs to my own apartment and take a shower, and after some of the things I have seen in the women's locker room at the gym this is really quite a benefit.

I always wondered when I worked out at Sport and Health why some women felt it was appropriate and acceptable to do certain things naked. For instances, there were the women who ironed their clothes in the nude. Really? You can't put your underwear on at least, or a towel? Then there are the women who do their hair and put their makeup on totally naked. Now, maybe that is how they do it at home - good for them if so. But I personally don't need to see their boobs bouncing around in the mirror while I am trying to get dressed. My favorite is the lady who either just got out of the shower or is on her way to the shower. She stops to talk to her friend . . . naked. She has a towel in her hand. Why doesn't she put her towel on? I am not sure. I guess Patty thinks that Leslie feels more comfortable if she stands there and talks to her totally naked.

Then there are the people who just do absolutely disgusting things out in open plain sight view of everyone in the locker room - such as lotion up every crevice of their naked body or putting a tampon on. Or, maybe they lotion up their body and bend over while you are standing right next to them and then their bare naked ass brushes up against you. I even once saw a woman blow drying her personal area. I think you know what I'm talking about. Why? Why do they do these things? I just want to shower and change really quickly and not have to be bombarded with pure nakedness.

I have also seen some interesting things in the sauna, steam room, and hot tub area of the locker room. There was once a woman who hit up each 'hot' area fullyclothed. First the sauna, then the steam room. She decided to take on the hot tub last, and yes, she got in the hot tub with a long sleeve shirt and sweatpants on. This was odd, but I did appreciate the fact that she didn't feel the need to be totally naked everywhere at all times. In the steam room I find it very disgusting when women lay totally naked on the tiled benches, as if right before them some other gross lady didn't do the exact same thing. I guess they don't have a problem with this type of fluids exchange.

So, needless to say, after these previous locker room experiences, I really am pretty excited to have my own gym right here in my building. Among other great amenities and cool roommates, this place is pretty sweet!

rude things people do in the movie theater

i know we have all been to the movies at some point in our life. and, most likely we have all been to the movies and probably wanted to punch someone sitting near you in the face. that happened to me today.

it really blows my mind the things that people will do in a movie theater. there are the people that bring babies to the movies. a baby can't even make it without crying two hours at home, a place where there are no strangers and there are plenty of things to occupy them. what makes their parents think that they may just make it through a movie without crying? then there are the people that talk and comment on literally every single thing that happens. this woman sat in front of me, annie, and my mom when we saw the count of monte cristo. i think this person also sat behind laurie at the sisterhood of the traveling pants 2 (yes, I saw that movie and loved it). there are the groups of teens who sit with their feet on chairs, laughing at parts that aren't funny and chatting with their friends as if they were sitting at starbucks. why do you choose to go to a movie theater to do this? are your friends that hideous that you need to pay $10 to sit in the dark and talk to them? go to a park bench . . . ITS FREE. then there are the texters. news flash people texting in the movie theater, its dark and there and everyone can SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING!

well, today, as i sat in the theater seeing funny people (funny but too long), the man sitting in my row (two seats away, i had the pleasure of sitting next to his girlfriend), chose to take multiple calls on his cell phone during the film. not only did he take calls, but he had conversations. he didn't answer and say 'hey i'm at the movies let me call you back,' he chatted with the person on the other line. first of all, WHY ARE YOU ANSWERING YOUR PHONE TO BEGIN WITH? what in gods name is that important that you are answering your phone during a movie, and if there is something that important that you need to answer your phone for, WHY ARE YOU AT A MOVIE TO BEGIN WITH. i decided he was a drug dealer and that there was a problem with his drug shipment. so, he was kind of like a sonny corinthos (GH) type of guy. still, if that's who you are, get the movie for free on your home theater. no one wants to listen to you talking on the phone when they've paid $10 to see a movie.

flight delay

i am sitting at the airport waiting to be allowed on my plane. been here since 6 pm. of course i can never go home without sitting at the airport for an excessive amount of time due to a flight delay. ground delays in boston tonight because of a little mist. anyhow, since i am bored out of my mind i decided to give in and spend $5.00 to 'surf the world wide web' for a little while before the plane takes off. unfortunately, i have spent most of this time doing work since when i connected to the internet the first thing that happened was my outlook was bombarded with emails. now i have decided to take a little break and check out the people around me.

the airport is a great place to do some serious people watching. there really are just so many interesting people to observe in the gate area. starting with the man next to me who smells like someone just took a baseball bat to the back of a bar and spilled every single bottle of liquor behind it. he is also somehow managing to smoke cigarettes somewhere in the smoke free airport. he gets up every five minutes walks away and comes back smelling like he just took a shower with a few cartons of marlboro lights. then there is the girl sitting a few seats away from me. she is wearing a skimpy little white dress and the most hideous platform sandals that i have ever seen. she is dressed very appropriately for a flight. she is also on her cell phone talking as if she is the only person in the airport. there's the lady who sat RIGHT next to me even though there are about 100 other empty seats in the area just so that she could be right next to her cell phone while she charged it (as if there werent any other outlets in the airport she could plug it into). Then, there is the man WITHOUT a cell phone. i did not think that those people existed anymore unless they were 10 years old or younger, but there was in fact a 50 year old man using the airport pay phone this evening. I actually wondered why they even had those anymore, but I just realized why. for that guy. there is a man a few rows over from me wearing sunglasses and a safari outfit. i think he may be in the wrong terminal because this flight is definitely going to boston not the australian outback.

currently, i feel as though i may be getting drunk just off of the fumes from the man sitting next to me. he just got back from his third mysterious cigarette. he is now talking to his coworker who he clearly went and got a little sloshed with. his buddy's face is bright red, i guess he couldn't hang with mr. liquor cabinet himself.

there's also a boy at the ticketing counter who seems to be trying to get on standby for the next flight. i am not exactly sure what makes him think he is goign to get on an earlier flight since the last three flights to boston have been delayed. i am pretty sure about 100 people before you had this idea already. seeing as though our flight will be boarding in less than a half hour, i would say this boy is shit out of luck. but good luck to him anyhow.

the girl sitting right across from me was in the bathroom with me earlier. she spent at least 10 minutes applying makeup (she was doing this when I walked into the bathroom and well after I washed my hands and left). She has also relocated her seat about five times in the last hour and a half for no apparent reason. she must be looking for her future husband in the airport tonight.

next time your flight is delayed, make sure to take note of these people. i am sure there will be similar ones boarding your plane as well. unless of course you are on a flight full of people who look like they were on Lost. i wish sometime in life I would be on a flight like that. with all hot young people. i can almost guarantee i will be sitting next to drunkard over here or a really fat guy who can barely fit in his seat. aren't you glad i splured and spent $5 to share this with you?

thank you mr. gomez

So, one of my friends is thinking about buying a new car. her current car has almost hit the legal drinking age its been around so long and obama is actually going to give her $3500 for it if she turns it in for a more fuel efficient vehicle. I am not sure what car is more fuel efficient than an early 90's toyota corolla. it seems like she is just going to have to buckle under the pressure and get one of those weird looking hybrids. do they have to make the prius look so weird?

anyway, in talking with her about purchasing a new vehicle, it brought me to about a year and half ago. it was early march, i was out early one morning picking up a few last minute items for my best friends bridal shower when BAM! i was sideswiped in the Rite Aid parking lot by a Mr. Eduardo Gomez. Needless to say my car was totaled and the next few weeks that rolled by I experienced some some really fantastic car selling techniques.

the first car that I bought was in highschool and my mom and I literally stumbled across it when we were walking out of the bank. a black honda accord with a for sale sign. the man followed us home, my dad checked out the car, tried to 'haggle' him (my dad thinks he is great at this, but the price did not go down at all, so I believe otherwsie), and then decided we would take it. it was as easy as that. when I was in my second year of college I wanted a car with less miles so that it would be safer for me to travel back and forth to school. so, i went through the classifieds with my Dad and stopped by a few places - my dad did all the 'haggling' once again. So, this time would be my first car buying experience on my own and not from the newspaper.

my first stop was Brown's Arlington Nissan. This dealership was unlike any of the others that I visited, because I literally felt like they did not want to sell any cars. And, I think I may have been right about that, because Browns Arlington Nissan has since closed down and become just the Brown's Super Center. Next stop was the sketchy Nissan dealership in Tysons Corner. The man that strolled out of the building as soon as my foot hit the pavement of his parking lot looked like he had about a half a gallon of gel in his hair. he was also donning a lovely polyester sport coat and a white mock turtle neck. he treated me like I was a complete idiot (little did he know my dad taught me a lot about 'haggling') and tried to sell me a 2000 Mazda 3 for $12,000. So, I decided to stop by next door at the Honda dealership. This was a much different experience. The man at the Honda dealership I'm pretty sure was in his first week of work. He let me test drive every single car I wanted to and didnt even ask what I was interested in buying. He also did not know how to generate carfax reports. I did NOT buy my car from this man.

So, I left the dealership depressed that day. another week would go by where I would need to carpool to work in the Monte Carlo Sport. I spent every day and night looking online at dealerships, emailing dealers, talking prices and features. I felt like I could not get anyone to take me seriously. So, finally my Dad set up an appointment for me at the Ford dealership in Alexandria. He had me meeting with the top salesWOMAN of the month, Barb Overbo. So, after I got over laughing about her name for a little bit, Marissa and I took a drive over to the Ford dealership to meet with Barb after work. I looked at the car, gave it a test drive, and decided this was the one. So, Barb sent me off to meet with the lady in financing who promptly asked if Marissa and I were lesbian lovers. Kind of a forward question, but she was still a nice lady. After I almost cried over the payments, I signed the papers with my 'lover' standing by. Then I was introduced to crazy nail lady. These nails dont do justice to the ones she had one when I met with her. Not only were they this long, but they also had little gems glued on and some little diamond things dangling off with some sparkling silver nail polish stripes across the blue. She was a true gem. She tried to sell me some paint protector for my used car. I laughed her and told her no. Maybe she was the one who keyed my car two weeks after I got it.

After all was said and done, I really do like my new car (not new anymore) a lot. And, I actually think it drives a lot nicer than my other car and has way less miles, so I guess I'd like to give a big Thank you to Mr. Gomez for helping me find Cammy (my car). But, no thank you for the increased car insurance due to shared fault in our parking lot accident. have a nice day.

marcella lowery

sometimes when i am at work and i am talking to people on the phone i try to imagine who the person on the other line really is. like yesterday for example, a woman called me, she was pretty loud (i had to turn the volume down on my phone at least 3 levels) and i could tell she was assertive by the way she was talking to me and asking me questions. i imagined that she was calling me during her 15 minute 'smoke break' and that she probably worked in some sort of customer service job (maybe for comcast - she's the lady that 'notes' things in the system and won't let you speak to her manager). maybe she even wore a headset so that she could answer as many calls as possible, after all, the phone is probably ringing off the hook at comcast with customer complaints. i thought she probably wears blazers to work even though she doesn't ever come in contact directly with a customer - and that day, i think she was wearing a lavender one. i think she probably left the shoulder pads in her blazer too. and, she was probably wearing a lot of blush and fuchsia lipstick. actually, now that i think of it, i think she was that operator from What about Bob, her name was Betty I think. She was the operator that Bob called when Dr. Leo Marvin went on vacation. anyway, i know that other people out there do the same exact thing. you can't help it but think about what that person on the other end of the line is like. and for me, that woman is Betty.

shows of christmas past

sometimes, when i am scrolling through the 500 channels of pure garbage on my television guide, i think about some of the truly legendary and entertaining shows that have since been replaced. i think about shows like unsolved mysteries. who doesn't enjoy a good murder mystery or abduction replay by some chillingly realistic actors? i know that sometimes i lay awake at night, hearing robert stack's voice whispering things to me right before i fall asleep - just hoping that i can help solve one of his many unsolved mysteries. Or, what about perfect strangers? doesnt anyone miss cousin balki? or would we rather watch new york go to work as a bounty hunter or a junk removal worker (um lets be serious, thats called a garbage lady)? what happened to good, fun family shows like double dare? Trivia and Physical Challenges, the best of both worlds. Now, we are left with shows like I survived a Japanese Game Show. Not even close to the same entertainment value and also just plain ridiculous. Chuck Woolery's, The Dating Game, has since been replaced with shows like More to Love (premiering july 28th, 2009) and MTV's Next. hopefully, shows like these will someday grace the prime time slots again and delight millions once again. i will patiently wait for that day. and until then, i will only watch Lost.

The Menstrual Cycle

THIS SOME GANGSTA ASS RAP SHIT!!!! RIGHT CHEYA. YEA BITCHES your minds about to get BLOWN

YEA

HERE IT GOOOOOO

PIMPLES & YO PERIOD all up in YO SPOT
AND UR PISSED CAUSE PLATEX LITE ONES R THE ONLY SHIT U GOT

CAUSE when you ridin on that cotton pony,

Ain't nobody say you phony

Cause the proof is on YO FACE
you lookin like a DISGRACE
You got pimples errywhere
and the people they just stare

cause yo hormones are OUTTA WHACK
it's a PERIOD ATTACK!
gotta get some clearasil
cause those pimples they will fill
every crevice on YO CHIN
pop that bitch with a safety pin

(chorus):
LET ME HEAR YALL SAY:
pimples and periods are ruining my dayyyy
im eatin everything i see dont wanna know how much i weigh
im flowin like a river and there is no other way
cause im female and im bitchy and THAT'S ALL I GOT TO SAY.

IM OUT BITCH. don't let me see yall on the streets today, cause today is not my day...and when today's not my day - IT'S NOT YOUR DAY EITHER MOTHER F**CKERS.


This has been an original gangsta rap shit jam by jammaster jazzy JAZMASTER jamjam

Freecycle.org

Are you looking for some free crap? Really wish you could watch the Nutty Professor on VHS while eating a few bananas and drinking a liter of coke but you just don't have a single dime to your name to buy any of that stuff? Well, there is FINALLY a solution. Freecycle.org. Some recent offers that have almost immediately disappeared:

Offer: Curly hair products, half used

Offer: Fla-Vor Ice Popsicles

Offer: Fancy girl hair bows

Offer: 12 pack caffeine-free Pepsi

Offer: "Vintage" AT&T Wall Phone, Great Condition

Offer: 4 rolls of streamers, 2 pink, 2 white

So, if you are looking for a bunch of free crap that other people don't feel like throwing in the trash (for reasons I don't understand) or giving to GoodWill then hit up Freecycle.org. But, please beware, you will receive on average between 100-550 emails every two days.

A great list

Songs that I love that I should probably be ashamed of:

1. The Climb - Miley Cyrus --> yup, its number one on my list. If you watch tv, you have heard it. Unless of course you have a TIVO or DVR and ffwd through commercials, in which case you haven't heard it. Either way, Miley is singing about my life. I know she is.

The remainder of the songs are in no particular order

2. I Swear - All 4 One --> yeah, they were totally trying to be Boyz II Men, but you know what they had one cool song and I love(d) it. And so did a lot of other people. They won a Grammy for it.

3. All I Have to Give - Backstreet Boys --> If you didn't know this about me, you will now . . . I loved boy bands when I was 15. A LOT. I wrote BSB a letter, they definitely didn't write back though. That was upsetting.

4. A Song for Mama - Boyz II Men --> I liked a lot of R&B music when I was in high school. This song I love especially, but while we're at it we might as well throw Brian McKnight and Kci and Jojo in there (Sara I know you love Kci and Jojo too dont even act like you dont).

5. Come On Over - Christina Aguilera --> Whatever I dont care if I get made fun of for this. I love Christina. I know this song in Spanish too.

6. You Were Meant For Me - Jewel --> I am still pretty pissed that LeAnn Rimes won the best new artist award when she was up against Jewel. I think Anniebo can attest to this.

7. I am going to cheat on this one. I like all Mariah Carey songs made before 1998. One thing I will admit to enjoying that is Mariah POST '98 that is not necessarily a song, but does include a multitude of songs . . . the movie Glitter. Laugh now, but I did own it when I had a VCR.

8. Should've Been a Cowboy - Toby Keith --> My dad would be so happy to hear this. My brothers and friends would not.

9. Daydreamin' - Tatyana Ali --> Whatever, she was on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Its cool to like her.

10. Ready, Set, Don't Go - Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus --> That's right, there are two Miley songs on this list. Its a father/daughter duet, how can you not love it.

<3 Anoop Desai

Ok, so I know its been a while. I apologize for that. And, I really have no excuse so I wont even try to make one up at all. Anyway, if you look to the photo of your left you will see the world renowned Anoop Desai. Haha, ok so he isn't world renowned, but he IS on American Idol. I have never even been an American Idol fan, and I still don't even consider myself one. I know the fact that this is my second post on American Idol for 2009 probably doesn't help my case very much, but oh well. There weren't that many things on tv and I am waiting for 90210 to come on so I am enjoying some tunes from the 80's tonight sung by a bunch of amateurs. Anyhow, some of you may know a little something about me and some of you may not, but if you dont know it, I will just tell you right now . . . I love Asians. I realize Anoop is not Asian, so please do not jump to any conclusions. Tonight when I was watching Anoop croon True Colors by Cyndi Lauper, I think I got a little bit of a crush on him. It was then that I realized, I think that I actually am a lover of all cultures, a woman of United Nations if you will. While I will discriminate against certain states, I wont discriminate against cultures. Just a little something to keep in mind.

contortionists

This weekend I attended a Washington Wizards game with my brothers and Jamie. For those of you who aren't aware the Wizards are absolutely terrible. They currently are 13 - 43, winning less than 25% of their games. You would think that with an atrocious record like this fans would not be flocking to the Verizon Center each game to see the Wiz play a horrendous game of basketball. However, this weekend, as I watched them lose by 31 points to the San Antonio Spurs, there were several fans (some were San Antonio fans, yes). There were so many fans at the game in fact that our seats got stolen. It is important to note that our seats that got stolen were the ABSOLUTE WORST seats in the entire place. They were on the hill in Row Q, which, if you haven't been to the Verizon Center, touches the ceiling. If you fell from Row Q you would die immediately. So, since our seats were taken, we had to relocate and in turn take someone elses seats. We were promptly kicked out of these seats and had to relocate once again. If you are wondering why there were so many fans at the game sitting in any seat they could find to watch the Wizards lose, at half time, the answer came to me. I now present to you, the half time show from the Washington Wizards game on Saturday February 21st at 8PM - The Contortionist. He was wheeled onto the court in a small plastic box and contorted his body every which way. His body was in shapes that I had hoped to never see in my life. He then put his body through a toilet seat. This may not seem crazy to you, but please review this size of your toilet seat and then imagine putting it over your head and having your hole body go through the seat before you take it off at your feet. To see how absolutely outrageous this contortionist was, please review the attached photos.

The Perfect Couple

Ray J, please just do us all a favor and get together with 'New York.' That way I don't have to see either of your trashy shows on television ever again. No one is interested in how many low quality women you can get to come on your tv show, rename them something completely absurd, and then have them vie for your love. I realize you are Brandy's brother (but lets face it, even Brandy isn't cool anymore), but no one cares about your love life. It actually would be preferred if you kept your personal relations off screen.

I can just imagine how classy this wedding would be. Imagine it yourself, it might just bring tears to your eyes. The joining of two souls that truly deserve each other. As long as they do not procreate and produce children that will in turn have other distasteful reality televisions shows then their union would be A OK with me.

Re: Urgent: Help us continue

A while back my friend Laurie signed me up for a newsletter that I will keep unnamed for the purpses of this story. Since then I have tried to opt out, unsubscribe, whatever it is that you have to do to STOP receiving the newsletter that you have absolutely no interest in. All of my efforts have failed me and I continue to receive this newsletter daily, sometimes twice a day even. Today I received an interesting message from them that I wanted to share with you all:

Dear Friend,
I value your time and will therefore get straight to the point:

We need your help to keep our virtual doors open!

The economic crisis has hit us crushingly hard and we are in an emergency situation.
Though we always keep our overhead low (-- our editors and writers do their jobs for comparatively little, as theirs is a labor of love), we’ve had to make some painful cuts.

Yet, we are still hundreds of thousands of dollars behind. Some of our largest donations were canceled due to the economic crisis. We simply cannot continue much longer.

Ok, clearly they do not value my time, because if they did they would have unsubscribed me THE FIRST TIME I ASKED. I am really glad that they think they need MY help to keep their virtual doors open, but unfortunately I despise their newsletter so there will be no such luck. And, in a time where the economic crisis is not only hitting their newsletter and the editors, but it is hitting EVERYONE, why in the world would I donate my money to them to help keep their virtual doors open when they wont even unsubscribe me from their damn newsletter?!? I am really sorry to hear that they simply cannot continue much longer (for those that actually want to read this newsletter), but I wont deny that I will be extremelly happy when that day comes and I dont have to delete this newsletter from my email twice a day. Thanks Laur.

Would You Rather?

This is a game that I used to play with my friend Annie in high school. I think she'd have a few good ones for you if you went to Bourne High. The question I pose at this juncture . . . would you rather: have Hugh Hefner as your dad OR have Benjamin Button as your dad. Consider wisely as it will affect the rest of your life.

The Curious Case of Shut the Hell Up

There is nothing like going to a movie you've wanted to see for two months and having it completely ruined by four teenagers sitting in the back row. I'm not sure why you would even attend a movie that is three hours long when you clearly have other things to talk about the ENTIRE time, but that is what my fellow movie goers did this evening.

I started reading some of F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel two months ago when I started seeing commercials for the film on television. The story really intrigued me and I couldn't wait to see it in theaters. There were several occasions where I almost went and saw the movie, but no, I chose to wait until tonight. Why did I wait for THIS night to see the film I had been waiting weeks for? Well, it must have been because I knew there would be four obnoxious teens sitting in the back row playing with their cell phones, throwing things, and talking during the entire thing.

If you want to know what I thought of the movie, well I can't deny that my opinion on the film was definitely tainted by my experience. Overall, I would say my thoughts on The Curious Case of Benjamin Button are just that it was odd. I am not sure if I've ever seen a movie this strange. If you want to know if Benjamin really reverts back to being a baby, let me know and I'll tell you. It certainly surprised me.

My only advice is that when/if (there isn't much time left) you decide to go see the film - if there are four terrible teenagers sitting behind you at the start of the film please just turn around and throw something at them within the first 10 minutes, that should shut them up.

Flirty Girl Fit

Well, this morning I trekked to the gym only to find that they had changed the locks and not provided the front desk girl with the new keys. Maybe this wouldn't have been as annoying as it was it if weren't for a few things: i had planned my entire day out based on attending the gym at 8:30 am, i walked there in the FREEZING cold, the front desk girl was quite possibly one of the most irritating people I've been around in the past few days. So, when I realized that the keys weren't coming for another 20 minutes (keep in mind the gym was supposed to open at 8 am), I decided to head home. In case any of you are wondering what gym would do such an annoying thing, it is Fitness First. I walked home and was really annoyed the whole time. However, when I got home and turned my tv on for a few minutes before I decided to shower for the rest of the events I had planned that day, I saw something that really just brightened my day a little: Flirty Girl Fit. How come I had never seen this on television before? And, more importantly, how come I did not own this product? The commercial showed girls losing 2-3 pants sizes easily just by dancing like sluts to this wonderous video. They claim that treadmills and bikes can be replaced with kitchen chairs, 'dance' poles (aka stripper poles), and pink feather boas. Wow, I wish someone had told me this in college. Had I known I could lose 30 lbs only with the help of a pink feather boa I never would've thrown mine away. For more information on this miraculous life changing product, please visit their website: http://flirtygirlfit.com/. And, if you have time, they do have two fitness locations - Chicago and TORONTO THE MOST RANDOM PLACE EVER. So, next time you're headed to Chicago or Toronto make sure you bring your pink boa so you can hit up the fitness club and join the other hoes on the dance pole.

Oh how I miss the live audience

Wow. That was quite the hiatus that we took. I apologize for going 14 days without a blog, but everyone deserves their 2 weeks, right?

Anyhow, recently there has been something that has become blatantly obvious to me that is missing in our society. The LIVE AUDIENCE. I'm sure many of you watch your favorite shows every night just going through the motions. You watch on Monday nights as Blair Waldorf and Serena Vanderwhatshername fight for the spot of Queen Bee at the local hoity toity private school. On Tuesdays, the kids of Beverly Hills are engaging in unprotected sex and selling and taking large quantities of illegal substances. Wednesdays you might be watching some stupid reality tv show, I really am not entirely sure, but it is probably not worth watching whatever it is. The hotness of McSteamy and McDreamy rule your television on Thursday evenings right after you've put yourself through an hour of Ugly Betty for some reason. But, through all of this, every night of the week, there is definitely one thing missing: THE LIVE AUDIENCE. How many of you remember when Uncle Jessie and Aunt Becky shared a kiss on the set of Full House? It probably was right after Uncle Jessie did something really stupid like tried to sky dive even though he hated heights, remember? Well, as soon as their lips touched there were for sure cheers and screams coming from the 'live audience.' Or, when Eddie Winslow worked out in the living room, jump roping for all the young girls of America in a cut off muscle shirt with sweat dripping off of his rippling muscles . . . yerp, you got it, the screams of the live audience were heard here as well. It wasn't just the screams and cheers, it was also the laughter. Erkle was always doing something stupid, and in case you didn't know it was funny, the live audience laughed to indicate to you it was time to laugh. There was also the 'oohs' and 'awwws' or even the clapping when there was a moment.

Now, imagine, McDreamy and Meredith share a kiss after one of their stupid fights or long days on the surgical table, the audience cheers and screams. Isn't the scene ten times better now? Or something funny happens on Gossip Girl and the live audience bursts out into a boisterous laughter. Oh wait, nothing funny happens on Gossip Girl. But you get the idea. All I'm saying is, I miss the live audience. They always knew just went to laugh, just when to cheer and scream, or cry. It was amazing. And, in case you forgot, they reminded you, so you could cheer, laugh, or cry too. I just really miss the live audience in my life.

Shout Out to Gunther

I would like to take a moment to give a shout out to a character who did not receive enough recognition on the hit television show Friends that ran for ten years, Gunther. Gunther (played by James Michael Tyler), the manager of the Central Perk coffee shop, is an exquisite and integral character in the Friends cast. He really did not receive the acclaim that he deserved. So, I would like to take this time to discuss why I love Gunther. His glorious golden locks, nervous smile, and awkward sense of self are just a few of the things that I find appealing about him. His character is so developed and complex on many levels that I am often times blown away by the scenes that he plays in. I will never forget the episode where he dressed up as Charlie Brown. He looks so stunning in yellow. My only wish in life is that the character of Gunther would somehow become incorporated into another show I love, The Secret Life of the American Teen. Maybe Amy could get a job at Central Perk?

Get the Cash You Need

You know this commercial. And every time you see it on tv you most likely laugh. You laugh because it is an absurd commercial with a really lame jingle. Yet, there are people who likely solicit the services of Cash Point daily or else how would they afford to run their commercial so much. There are Cash Point commercials on tv at least 45 times a day and there are free standing 'Cash' stores all over the place in Northern VA. Now, I do realize that we are in some tough financial times, but I find it a little hard to believe that there are THAT many people heading over to the Cash Point with the title to their car in exchange for a couple K in cold hard cash. I actually find it hard to believe that there are even that many people that have the title to their car. And, if you do have the title, and you need the money, keep it and instead send in your gold jewelery to those jewelery exchange places. Let me know how that works out for you.

Cool Things from the 90's

Please take a moment to reflect on some of these items. I am sure that we have all seen the peace frog or the Ron Jon's Surf Shop stickers donning the bumper of a 1994 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera or maybe a beat up Ford Escort. And, I'm sure most of us played with pogs at some point in middle school. Don't ask me why, becuase they really weren't that cool. They were round pieces of cardboard that we collected. We held such pride towards our collections, but then we threw hunks of metal (slammers) at a pile of our treasured pogs, why? I just really don't get it. Some of you out there probably even brushed the bright pink hair on your troll dolls. These also weren't that fun to play with, yet I had a large collection. Many of us probably drew some ying yangs in our notes during class while we wrote our name in bubble letters or maybe even drew some of those geometric S's. You probably babysat for some kid that had those annoying Tamagotchi toys and I bet your little brother had a Starter jacket like the cool kid below. So, please just take a moment to reflect on some of the really cool and totally awesome items that were a product of the 90's and think about what your favorite was . . .

Boosting the Morale of the American Driver...One Stuffed Animal at a Time

I was driving along 495 the other day and I was feeling pretty down. I had been driving for a few hours back from a friend's house and I was extremely hungover. I had eaten one too many ciabatta subs from Wawa and had indulged in an extra large cup of coffee that was really doing a number on my bladder. With just 3 exits to go I started to become happy and excited to get into my nice warm bed and sleep...and then traffic hit. Stopped traffic, that is. I felt miserable. We weren't moving an inch. My world was crumbling all around me and the worst part of it was that I wasn't entirely positive that I WAS NOT going to pee my pants. Just when I thought things couldn't be worse, God shined down on me from above in the form of an old blue Chevy. I looked up and saw the most beautiful back-window display on a car I have ever seen. Stuffed animals of all species sat together peering out of the back window with faces of pure delight and happiness. They all stood together motionless, yet full of life. Their carefully threaded smiles were contagious and I found myself looking on the bright side. How could life be so bad when you were looking at an adorable beanie baby collection that featured cuddly puppies, endearing turtles, a snuggly koala bear and a pudgy little polar bear all sitting together in peace and harmony? It is in that moment that I realized the fine art of the the car back-window display. Not only does it spread happiness and cheer to all those on the road, but it is truly a craft in that each animal/item is strategically and meticulously placed and organized. I urge everyone to be more aware while driving and to look for the displays and to appreciate the time and effort that the driver took to make sure that YOUR driving experience was pleasant. Being as the display faces out the back, these selfless drivers get NO JOY out of doing this, except for to revel in the joy and delight it spreads. Thank you, selfless back-window display artists of America, you changed my life.

xoxo

I Really Am Not a Fan of Rosie O'Donnell

Just look at her in this picture. She looks like she has a spray tan gone bad and if she is wearing all black in an attempt to look slimmer it is NOT working. Rosie O'Donnell has got to be in the top ten most obnoxious people on television. Of course I wouldn't say in this world, because it is likely that there are other people more obnoxious than her, although I really cannot say with 100% certainty that I have come across any of those. Just the sound of her voice arguing with Elisabeth and Baba Wawa on the View sends chills throughout my entire body and literally makes me want to vomit. Do any of you recall her incredibly annoying talk show? She supposedly 'loved' Tom Cruise, but clearly that wasn't true when she outted herself as a lesbian a few years later. I have no problem with lesbians, but why fake a love for Tom Cruise for years of your life if you clearly would rather love someone like Madonna? And, of all people, Tom Cruise? I GUESS I can give her the benefit of the doubt in that it was before Tom turned into a complete and total nutjob. Anyhow, I can't even like Rosie in movies. She was so incredibly irritating in A League of Their Own. Her character was truly obnoxious and in all honesty I am pretty sure the team would've been A OK without her. In fact, she was so worthless I do not even remember what position she played for the Georgia Peaches and I have seen that movie probably 300 times. If you look up Rosie on Wikipedia she is listed as a television host, stand-up comedian, actress, singer, and writer. I'm sorry, but can someone tell me WHEN IN GODS NAME Rosie O'Donnell was a SINGER!?!!!???? I will die a happy person as long as I never have to hear a song sung by Rosie. I just hope that Rosie chooses to stick to celebrity blogging and annoying those that are immediately surrounding her, because I think I speak for the rest of America when I say that we would rather not see her face on the cover of a magazine, our televisions, or the big screen for the rest of our lives.

Just a Regular Old Lunch Break

My lunch break yesterday was quite an interesting time for me. So far, it really is unparalleled to most other lunch breaks I've had in past few months. I can't say of course that it was the strangest lunch break I've ever had, but it was definitely weird. It all started with a frantic phone call from an unnamed friend of mine who almost fell for a ridiculous facebook scam. No, Lindsey is not in London on vacation by herself, I'm pretty sure she is just at work sitting at her desk unaware that hacker boy is stalking all her friends for money. I tried to solve this great mystery over a delicious meal at American Cafe. Then, I witnessed something that I had never come across before. As I dined at American Cafe, I was very aware of my surroundings; in front of me were two women talking office gossip from the company next door to mine, there were some restaurant romances going on, a couple of babies crying, but the most interesting group during lunch yesterday were the three men sitting right behind me. At first glance, they appeared to be totally normal men, on their lunch break. Then, I heard the waitress come by their table.

I now introduce you to Melody (that is what I named her). She is a very awkward woman in her twenties who acts like she 15 years old. She may not have finished highschool and it is likely becuase she spent too much time playing pogs or swapping trading cards with her friends. Her friends are most likely boys, just like the ones at the table, and when she walks over to serve them her heart starts beating rapidly as she falls instantly in love (most likely with the black shirt on the right). I can hear her flirting and giggling with these men. At this point, there is nothing out of the ordinary about the men to me, becuase they are sitting behind me I cannot hear what they are doing or see what they look like. However, after Melody takes their order they all get prepared for what is about to be one of the most amazing games of Dragon Cards they have EVER played.


I now present to you Dragon Cards, or Dragon Block for those of you that have only played the first series of this game. 75 cards all representing different dragons; these cards are thought to posess 'shadow powers.' Please do not ask me what shadow powers are becuase I really dont know, but I bet I know where you can find someone who does? Melody, waitress from American Cafe, works the lunch shift on Wednesdays. Anyhow, the three men (or as I like to refer to them now, prepubescent teens due to their actions) begin shuffeling out the cards. I hear one of them proclaim that "it is not statistically possible" to get a hand better than the one he was dealt. The play cards as they wait to be served. When Melody brings their food over they move their Yu-Gi-OH! Dragon cards to the side, literally WOLF down their meals, and immediately return to game play. I am pretty sure that the guy in the hat won and then the guy in the black shirt 'bitch slapped' him. The reason I know this, well, its because I heard it. I also heard him proclaim that he had a 'license to kill.' I really can't wait to go back to American Cafe.

Guapos Restaurant Review

If you have time (and are severely dehydrated), I would highly recommend visiting Guapos in Shirlington, VA. I am sure that the other Guapos locations would come almost as highly recommended, but since I have never been to those I really cannot vouch for them. And, it is highly unlikely to me that they have the employee of the month who I will name Pepe. Pepe works not as a waiter, but as more of a bus boy. He is there to make sure that your salsa is always plentiful and your chips are constantly overflowing. But, more importantly Pepe is there to make sure that your water glass is not only constantly filled to the brim, but that your glass is so full that it is virtually impossible for you to even lift your glass to take a sip -- you must lean over and drink from the straw or a large spill would be had. If a spill had occurred, this would actually be terrible for Pepe's level of service. He would have to take time to help clean the spill during which he would miss the refilling of SEVERAL water glasses. Not once during the meal were we able to even drink more than a half a sip of water without Pepe returning to the table to top off our glasses. At one point, he filled the glass so much that he even spilled water on Jamie's leg (I don't blame him, she did look life threateningly dehydrated). If you are thirsty and do not want to be able to count how many glasses of water you've drank because you've never even drank past the tip of your glass, than I HIGHLY recommend Guapos. (The food isn't so bad either)

GymWonders of the Third Kind

I just recently joined a gym close to my work. I have decided to take a step to further improve my health and well being and I'm very proud of myself. I have always been a somewhat athletic person, but in the past I had stuck to outside activities: running, social sports, etc. Now that I joined a gym, I realized that there are certain things you will see there that you will never see anywhere else. Only at the gym can you witness these little mysteries of life and majestic occurrences that leave you stunned and awed by the possibilities of life. Please follow me through my gym photo journal, as I share with you part one of my experiences over the past 21 days:


The Narcissistic Buff Ginger Man on Toxic Levels of Human Growth Hormone

I now share with you something truly disturbing, right out of the depths of our darkest nightmares. Picture yourself walking out of the locker room at the gym, getting ready to work out. You walk out into the mirrored room and you see the reflection of a 5 foot tall, red headed man with bulging muscles popping out of his chest. His pants are so low you can see his barren happy trail (impeccably shaved and groomed) leading it's way down into the depths of hell. He is pumping an iron with one fist that holds more weight than both your buffet-eating grandparents combined. Not only is he lifting this weight EASILY, but he is also smiling at himself and whispering sweet nothings to his own reflection "yea that's right god you're so hot, you sweet ginger complected hunk of man. god my body looks so swol. i would so do me. i want to do myself." You hold back the vomit from escaping as you stare at this man in amazement. I wish it wasn't true, but I experienced this today as I walked out of the locker room to hit the treadmills. As I ran my 3 miles I couldn't get the picture out of my head. I haven't been able to eat dinner tonight, and I don't count on sleeping much.





The Boob Flinger That Flings Her Boobs Around, Doesn't Wear a Sports Bra, and Thinks She Is Better Than You



So I took a kickboxing class the other day. I was totally excited for it. I went with my roommate and co-worker and we quickly took our places in the back of the class. We began our warm up with our teacher and were just starting to get the hang of things when the door slammed open and in walked a woman wearing the skimpiest non-work out outfit I have ever seen. She had regular pants on and a tank top with a regular bra underneath. Most off she had a chest the size of two lumpy watermelons picked fresh right off the vine. She quickly went to the front of the room and began working out...or should I say, erupting into full body epileptic seizures. Her moves were something directly out of karate kid. I believe she could have kicked and sliced through 15 wooden boards that night using just her breasts. Everything our teacher did, she did it 5 times bigger with extra sloppy/incorrect kicks, higher jumps.....and more than anything extensive boob flinging. During the half way point of the class we heard a sudden crash of something metal hit the mirrors. We realized it was Boob Flingers gold medallions that had snapped off under the weight of her flinging breasts and shot off her chest into the mirror. Boob Flinger was barely phased. I doubt I will ever have the skills, or the boobs to come close to Boob Flinger. She is truly a GymWonder.

TO BE CONTINUED....

Office Dares

I know some of you may already be familiar with this list (or may already do these things daily), but I thought it was worth bringing back due to its pure hilarity. Please advise of the outcome of any of the below.

ONE-POINT DARES

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).
3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head.
6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS DARES
1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."
5) After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon." Keep this up for one hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights."
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:"Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

And if that wasn't enough for you here are some examples of insane acts you can use anywhere...
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." Sara this will one day be for you and Rob to say to your first born, Sunny Alfredo
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) In the subject field for all your e-mails, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."
7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
8) Don't use any punctuation
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

WHATS UP WORLD

Whats up World, this is Sway! Hopefully most of you are familiar with MTV News hip-hop icon, Sway Calloway. For those of you who aren't, I hope you read something today that will inspire you. While Sway is no Kurt Loder or John Norris (other MTV News legends), he is a true staple and a majestic part of the MTV family. He can be found on Total Request Live, the VMA's, Direct Effect, the Wake Up Show, and of course, MTV News. His kind, welcoming words to his audience are mostly what have appealed to me. He starts off every news cast with a very excited, "WHATS UP WORLD, THIS IS SWAY." As a teenager growing up in Oakland, CA, Sway probably never imagined that one day he would be a larger than life TV personality saying hello to millions across the world every hour on the hour on MTV News. For those of you that only know Sway as an MTV news reporter, you are in for a shocking surprise. Not only is he one of the most fascinating interviewers I have ever witnessed (second only to MTV VJ Jesse), but he has also topped the Billboard charts with fellow rapper DJ King Tech. His 1999 album, This or That, reached all the way to #30 on Billboards R&B/Hip Hop Album charts. But, for a real treat, see if you can locate his 1990 album Concrete Jungle. If you aren't inspired yet, then it is important to note that Sway has also made quite a presence in the political world as well. He has reported from both the DNC and the RNC as well as headed up the Choose or Lose Campaign in 2004 (an effort to get young people to the polls). And, if this still hasn't sparked your interested, then please just take a long hard look at the photo of Sway posted above. His debonair good looks and long luscious locks all wrapped up in various types of hats and bandanas are enough to make any girl melt. So, please do a little research, watch some of his videos/shows/interviews, familiarize yourself with Sway and you will surely fall in love. Just see, from these videos below, how he has provided inspiration to young aspiring reporters everywhere.

As Not Seen on TV

A person I know (I am very skeptical about even admitting I know him) has recently sent me some failed television commercials. After reviewing these I came to a few conclusions. 1. Alex Comiskey has too much time on his hands. 2. I am truly disgusted by the fact that the following products have not been introduced to the entire world:

The Tiddy Bear



I don't know about you, but almost daily my seatbelt is tight to the point of suffocation. The Tiddy Bear really would come in handy in several areas; general comfort, physical appearance (reduces bruising from seatbelt), and fashionable seatbelt style. I do not know WHY this commercial failed but I hope that is not a reflection on the product itself. The person who invented this (I believe it is still patent pending) really deserves several pats on the back.

Introducing . . . . . .

The Wunder Boner



Now, one thing I can say about the fact that this commercial failed is that it is due entirely to the poor acting exhibited by mustache man. His sarcastic laugh and over the top attitude really interfered with the selling points in this commercial. However, if you, like me, are able to get past that, you see that this is also a truly amazing product. As the daughter of a fisherman I can tell you right now that this product is definitely worth the money. I will be ordering this in bulk for a reduced rate if anyone would like to go in on it with me.

The Sketchiness of Towing Lots

Unfortunately this post was inspired by an actual event. This evening Anna and I decided to go to Quiznos (a weekend usual) and while we were in there for LESS THAN 5 MINUTES, her car was towed from the parking lot. It actually happened so fast that we were afraid her car was stolen. So of course we had to go get her car from the towing lot. Now, I don't know how many of you are familiar with towing lots, but they are probably one of the sketchiest places that I have ever been to. Every single time I've been to a tow lot (you'd probably be surprised at the number of times), they consist of an empty lot filled with cars, a tiny little shed house with a really freakish old woman, and lots of chain link fences. This evening's towing experience was no different. Advanced towing is located behind a Mercedes Benz dealership on Glebe Rd. in Arlington and to get into the small shed-like motor home building you have to walk in between two 8 ft. chain link fences and up some home made creaky wooden stairs. Once inside the shed, there is of course a large plexiglass window with a small hole cut out of it. Apparently the towing people are fearful for their lives from those who have had their cars towed, AS THEY SHOULD BE. One place that I have picked up my car from actually looked as if it had a bullet hole through the plexiglass. Behind the counter this evening was an old woman with a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt circa 1981. Her hair was so long and scraggly and she of course had a large witch-like mole on her chin. Thankfully, Advanced towing accepts credit cards, but I have been towed by cash only places as well which is always a treat. It is wonderful to have to go withdraw $100+ just to get your car out of a parking lot surrounded by guard dogs and chain link fences, not to mention very easy to access an ATM when you are WITHOUT YOUR CAR. I think I should get into the towing business. It clearly doesn't require that much capital to start up or maybe they would have nicer sheds. And it is quite an easy business where you really cash in quickly on ruining people's mornings, evenings, days, weeks, etc. I can't wait to start my own towing company. I think I'll name it Happy Tow.

A True Gem: Grape Stomp

Here, for your viewing pleasure is a favorite video of mine, The Fox 5 Grape Stomp. A worker at the local vineyard and the television reporter do a practice grape stomp for the upcoming events at the vineyard that weekend. On Saturday there will be a grape stomping contest. The winner earns an overnight stay at the vineyard. I wonder if they still had the contest after this event. Wonderful sound effects are included. Please also pay special attention to the reaction of the Fox reporters back at the studio. This video is truly priceless and will never get old. Enjoy.

A few items to consider during poor economic times

In today's economic climate of rising energy costs and uncertain financial markets businesses are cutting costs wherever possible. They are really trying to 'trim the fat' and increase their bottom line in any way possible. CEO's and Budget Analysts are reviewing how they spend their money and deciding to cut out those unnecessary costs.

My suggestion is that the US also engage in some of these reviews and possibly consider downsizing and getting rid of the unnecessary. I would like to start with getting rid of a few 'states.' Having been a Massachusetts resident for 18 years of my life, my heart really belongs to the Union so my biggest concerns lie there. With that being said I think that it is important that the Union really consider which states are really relevant, useful, valued, significant, etc. My number one recommendation would be to eliminate Rhode Island. It is the sorriest excuse of a state and it should just be part of Connecticut. First off, the sales tax in the state of Rhode Island is 7%. That is abusrd. The state itself is the size of some people's hometowns and they have the audacity to charge me 7% on purchases when I go shop at the Providence Place Mall - No thanks, I'll take my business elsewhere liek to another state that is maybe 4 feet away. The only other state in the entire country that has a sales tax rates higher than Rhode Island is California, and lets face it they can do whatever they want there. Secondly, getting rid of Rhode Island would make one less state to share Boston sports teams with. For some odd reason New England consists of SIX states and we get ONE team for each sport. Don't ask me why becuase I'll never understand it, especially when New York has more than enough teams for each sport to go around (with the exception of basketball).

Anyhow, after we elminiate Rhode Island I think we should continue trimming the fat from the Union and get rid of Delaware. Does anyone even go there? If they do, its probably just to go to the beach in which case it could just be added to Maryland where there are plenty of other beaches to hit up. At the most northern part of Delaware you can actually drive just 12 miles to get to the other side. My home town has roads that are longer than that and my home town is NOT large. If I can drive 12 miles in my own home town and still be there then I think that its a little crazy that you can drive 12.1 miles and be completely gone from the state of Delaware. Delawares economy is pretty worthless as well. It's not like anything that comes from Delaware can't be produced elsewhere.

Extending outside of the Union there are a few states in the northern part of the US that really should just be given to Canada: North Dakota and Montana. Both extremely large yet completely worthless states. North Dakota has TWO cities. If a state that large has been around for over 110 years and has only managed to muster up two cities I would say it is pointless to give it anymore time. Just give it to Canada I'm sure they can find something useful to do with it. Montana ranks 4th in area in US states but somehow manages to rank 44th in population. I will tell you which states are below it: Delaware, Rhode Island, North Dakota - get rid of them all.

It has been suggested to me by a friend of mine that South Dakota also should be done away with. She will remain nameless so that she can avoid any offensive remarks that she would receive for this suggestion. But, when Emily Dyche told me that she felt South Dakota was completely 'useless' I had to do a little research. Now we all know that South Dakota is home to Mt. Rushmore which is my #1 reason for not removing this state (I love Presidents), but it is also home to the annual Sturgis Motorcycle Ralley. How could we even consider getting rid of such a state? Not to mention that SD has the lowest unemployment rate of all the states in the US. In these economic times, I would have to say getting rid of South Dakota would be a POOR decision, sorry Emily.

I welcome other suggestions on pointless states to get rid of during these difficult economic times. Although, I just would like to point out that they may not be implemented any time in the near future.

Michael Nicewonder

I hope that you watched American Idol tonight. If so, you would have had the pleasure of listening to a sweet songbird: Michael Nicewonder. Not only is Michael Nicewonder a treat for the eyes and the ears, but he is also a song writer! Ladies, brace yourselves, he will make your heart stop. And, in the case that he does actually make your heart stop, he specializes in writing depressing songs about letting go of loved ones.

"I'm not trying to be the best songwriter I think . . . I'm just trying to be me." M. Nicewonder

Simon's suggestion: Go to Hallmark and write Mother's Day Cards.

My Suggestion: Email TLC for an Extreme Makeover.

never gets old . . . .

please pay special attention to 2:09 - 2:16. always a fan favorite.