contortionists

This weekend I attended a Washington Wizards game with my brothers and Jamie. For those of you who aren't aware the Wizards are absolutely terrible. They currently are 13 - 43, winning less than 25% of their games. You would think that with an atrocious record like this fans would not be flocking to the Verizon Center each game to see the Wiz play a horrendous game of basketball. However, this weekend, as I watched them lose by 31 points to the San Antonio Spurs, there were several fans (some were San Antonio fans, yes). There were so many fans at the game in fact that our seats got stolen. It is important to note that our seats that got stolen were the ABSOLUTE WORST seats in the entire place. They were on the hill in Row Q, which, if you haven't been to the Verizon Center, touches the ceiling. If you fell from Row Q you would die immediately. So, since our seats were taken, we had to relocate and in turn take someone elses seats. We were promptly kicked out of these seats and had to relocate once again. If you are wondering why there were so many fans at the game sitting in any seat they could find to watch the Wizards lose, at half time, the answer came to me. I now present to you, the half time show from the Washington Wizards game on Saturday February 21st at 8PM - The Contortionist. He was wheeled onto the court in a small plastic box and contorted his body every which way. His body was in shapes that I had hoped to never see in my life. He then put his body through a toilet seat. This may not seem crazy to you, but please review this size of your toilet seat and then imagine putting it over your head and having your hole body go through the seat before you take it off at your feet. To see how absolutely outrageous this contortionist was, please review the attached photos.

The Perfect Couple

Ray J, please just do us all a favor and get together with 'New York.' That way I don't have to see either of your trashy shows on television ever again. No one is interested in how many low quality women you can get to come on your tv show, rename them something completely absurd, and then have them vie for your love. I realize you are Brandy's brother (but lets face it, even Brandy isn't cool anymore), but no one cares about your love life. It actually would be preferred if you kept your personal relations off screen.

I can just imagine how classy this wedding would be. Imagine it yourself, it might just bring tears to your eyes. The joining of two souls that truly deserve each other. As long as they do not procreate and produce children that will in turn have other distasteful reality televisions shows then their union would be A OK with me.

Re: Urgent: Help us continue

A while back my friend Laurie signed me up for a newsletter that I will keep unnamed for the purpses of this story. Since then I have tried to opt out, unsubscribe, whatever it is that you have to do to STOP receiving the newsletter that you have absolutely no interest in. All of my efforts have failed me and I continue to receive this newsletter daily, sometimes twice a day even. Today I received an interesting message from them that I wanted to share with you all:

Dear Friend,
I value your time and will therefore get straight to the point:

We need your help to keep our virtual doors open!

The economic crisis has hit us crushingly hard and we are in an emergency situation.
Though we always keep our overhead low (-- our editors and writers do their jobs for comparatively little, as theirs is a labor of love), we’ve had to make some painful cuts.

Yet, we are still hundreds of thousands of dollars behind. Some of our largest donations were canceled due to the economic crisis. We simply cannot continue much longer.

Ok, clearly they do not value my time, because if they did they would have unsubscribed me THE FIRST TIME I ASKED. I am really glad that they think they need MY help to keep their virtual doors open, but unfortunately I despise their newsletter so there will be no such luck. And, in a time where the economic crisis is not only hitting their newsletter and the editors, but it is hitting EVERYONE, why in the world would I donate my money to them to help keep their virtual doors open when they wont even unsubscribe me from their damn newsletter?!? I am really sorry to hear that they simply cannot continue much longer (for those that actually want to read this newsletter), but I wont deny that I will be extremelly happy when that day comes and I dont have to delete this newsletter from my email twice a day. Thanks Laur.

Would You Rather?

This is a game that I used to play with my friend Annie in high school. I think she'd have a few good ones for you if you went to Bourne High. The question I pose at this juncture . . . would you rather: have Hugh Hefner as your dad OR have Benjamin Button as your dad. Consider wisely as it will affect the rest of your life.

The Curious Case of Shut the Hell Up

There is nothing like going to a movie you've wanted to see for two months and having it completely ruined by four teenagers sitting in the back row. I'm not sure why you would even attend a movie that is three hours long when you clearly have other things to talk about the ENTIRE time, but that is what my fellow movie goers did this evening.

I started reading some of F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel two months ago when I started seeing commercials for the film on television. The story really intrigued me and I couldn't wait to see it in theaters. There were several occasions where I almost went and saw the movie, but no, I chose to wait until tonight. Why did I wait for THIS night to see the film I had been waiting weeks for? Well, it must have been because I knew there would be four obnoxious teens sitting in the back row playing with their cell phones, throwing things, and talking during the entire thing.

If you want to know what I thought of the movie, well I can't deny that my opinion on the film was definitely tainted by my experience. Overall, I would say my thoughts on The Curious Case of Benjamin Button are just that it was odd. I am not sure if I've ever seen a movie this strange. If you want to know if Benjamin really reverts back to being a baby, let me know and I'll tell you. It certainly surprised me.

My only advice is that when/if (there isn't much time left) you decide to go see the film - if there are four terrible teenagers sitting behind you at the start of the film please just turn around and throw something at them within the first 10 minutes, that should shut them up.

Flirty Girl Fit

Well, this morning I trekked to the gym only to find that they had changed the locks and not provided the front desk girl with the new keys. Maybe this wouldn't have been as annoying as it was it if weren't for a few things: i had planned my entire day out based on attending the gym at 8:30 am, i walked there in the FREEZING cold, the front desk girl was quite possibly one of the most irritating people I've been around in the past few days. So, when I realized that the keys weren't coming for another 20 minutes (keep in mind the gym was supposed to open at 8 am), I decided to head home. In case any of you are wondering what gym would do such an annoying thing, it is Fitness First. I walked home and was really annoyed the whole time. However, when I got home and turned my tv on for a few minutes before I decided to shower for the rest of the events I had planned that day, I saw something that really just brightened my day a little: Flirty Girl Fit. How come I had never seen this on television before? And, more importantly, how come I did not own this product? The commercial showed girls losing 2-3 pants sizes easily just by dancing like sluts to this wonderous video. They claim that treadmills and bikes can be replaced with kitchen chairs, 'dance' poles (aka stripper poles), and pink feather boas. Wow, I wish someone had told me this in college. Had I known I could lose 30 lbs only with the help of a pink feather boa I never would've thrown mine away. For more information on this miraculous life changing product, please visit their website: http://flirtygirlfit.com/. And, if you have time, they do have two fitness locations - Chicago and TORONTO THE MOST RANDOM PLACE EVER. So, next time you're headed to Chicago or Toronto make sure you bring your pink boa so you can hit up the fitness club and join the other hoes on the dance pole.

Oh how I miss the live audience

Wow. That was quite the hiatus that we took. I apologize for going 14 days without a blog, but everyone deserves their 2 weeks, right?

Anyhow, recently there has been something that has become blatantly obvious to me that is missing in our society. The LIVE AUDIENCE. I'm sure many of you watch your favorite shows every night just going through the motions. You watch on Monday nights as Blair Waldorf and Serena Vanderwhatshername fight for the spot of Queen Bee at the local hoity toity private school. On Tuesdays, the kids of Beverly Hills are engaging in unprotected sex and selling and taking large quantities of illegal substances. Wednesdays you might be watching some stupid reality tv show, I really am not entirely sure, but it is probably not worth watching whatever it is. The hotness of McSteamy and McDreamy rule your television on Thursday evenings right after you've put yourself through an hour of Ugly Betty for some reason. But, through all of this, every night of the week, there is definitely one thing missing: THE LIVE AUDIENCE. How many of you remember when Uncle Jessie and Aunt Becky shared a kiss on the set of Full House? It probably was right after Uncle Jessie did something really stupid like tried to sky dive even though he hated heights, remember? Well, as soon as their lips touched there were for sure cheers and screams coming from the 'live audience.' Or, when Eddie Winslow worked out in the living room, jump roping for all the young girls of America in a cut off muscle shirt with sweat dripping off of his rippling muscles . . . yerp, you got it, the screams of the live audience were heard here as well. It wasn't just the screams and cheers, it was also the laughter. Erkle was always doing something stupid, and in case you didn't know it was funny, the live audience laughed to indicate to you it was time to laugh. There was also the 'oohs' and 'awwws' or even the clapping when there was a moment.

Now, imagine, McDreamy and Meredith share a kiss after one of their stupid fights or long days on the surgical table, the audience cheers and screams. Isn't the scene ten times better now? Or something funny happens on Gossip Girl and the live audience bursts out into a boisterous laughter. Oh wait, nothing funny happens on Gossip Girl. But you get the idea. All I'm saying is, I miss the live audience. They always knew just went to laugh, just when to cheer and scream, or cry. It was amazing. And, in case you forgot, they reminded you, so you could cheer, laugh, or cry too. I just really miss the live audience in my life.