Saturday, January 31, 2009

Shout Out to Gunther


I would like to take a moment to give a shout out to a character who did not receive enough recognition on the hit television show Friends that ran for ten years, Gunther. Gunther (played by James Michael Tyler), the manager of the Central Perk coffee shop, is an exquisite and integral character in the Friends cast. He really did not receive the acclaim that he deserved. So, I would like to take this time to discuss why I love Gunther. His glorious golden locks, nervous smile, and awkward sense of self are just a few of the things that I find appealing about him. His character is so developed and complex on many levels that I am often times blown away by the scenes that he plays in. I will never forget the episode where he dressed up as Charlie Brown. He looks so stunning in yellow. My only wish in life is that the character of Gunther would somehow become incorporated into another show I love, The Secret Life of the American Teen. Maybe Amy could get a job at Central Perk?

Friday, January 30, 2009

Get the Cash You Need


You know this commercial. And every time you see it on tv you most likely laugh. You laugh because it is an absurd commercial with a really lame jingle. Yet, there are people who likely solicit the services of Cash Point daily or else how would they afford to run their commercial so much. There are Cash Point commercials on tv at least 45 times a day and there are free standing 'Cash' stores all over the place in Northern VA. Now, I do realize that we are in some tough financial times, but I find it a little hard to believe that there are THAT many people heading over to the Cash Point with the title to their car in exchange for a couple K in cold hard cash. I actually find it hard to believe that there are even that many people that have the title to their car. And, if you do have the title, and you need the money, keep it and instead send in your gold jewelery to those jewelery exchange places. Let me know how that works out for you.

Cool Things from the 90's




Please take a moment to reflect on some of these items. I am sure that we have all seen the peace frog or the Ron Jon's Surf Shop stickers donning the bumper of a 1994 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera or maybe a beat up Ford Escort. And, I'm sure most of us played with pogs at some point in middle school. Don't ask me why, becuase they really weren't that cool. They were round pieces of cardboard that we collected. We held such pride towards our collections, but then we threw hunks of metal (slammers) at a pile of our treasured pogs, why? I just really don't get it. Some of you out there probably even brushed the bright pink hair on your troll dolls. These also weren't that fun to play with, yet I had a large collection. Many of us probably drew some ying yangs in our notes during class while we wrote our name in bubble letters or maybe even drew some of those geometric S's. You probably babysat for some kid that had those annoying Tamagotchi toys and I bet your little brother had a Starter jacket like the cool kid below. So, please just take a moment to reflect on some of the really cool and totally awesome items that were a product of the 90's and think about what your favorite was . . .



Thursday, January 29, 2009

Boosting the Morale of the American Driver...One Stuffed Animal at a Time

I was driving along 495 the other day and I was feeling pretty down. I had been driving for a few hours back from a friend's house and I was extremely hungover. I had eaten one too many ciabatta subs from Wawa and had indulged in an extra large cup of coffee that was really doing a number on my bladder. With just 3 exits to go I started to become happy and excited to get into my nice warm bed and sleep...and then traffic hit. Stopped traffic, that is. I felt miserable. We weren't moving an inch. My world was crumbling all around me and the worst part of it was that I wasn't entirely positive that I WAS NOT going to pee my pants. Just when I thought things couldn't be worse, God shined down on me from above in the form of an old blue Chevy. I looked up and saw the most beautiful back-window display on a car I have ever seen. Stuffed animals of all species sat together peering out of the back window with faces of pure delight and happiness. They all stood together motionless, yet full of life. Their carefully threaded smiles were contagious and I found myself looking on the bright side. How could life be so bad when you were looking at an adorable beanie baby collection that featured cuddly puppies, endearing turtles, a snuggly koala bear and a pudgy little polar bear all sitting together in peace and harmony? It is in that moment that I realized the fine art of the the car back-window display. Not only does it spread happiness and cheer to all those on the road, but it is truly a craft in that each animal/item is strategically and meticulously placed and organized. I urge everyone to be more aware while driving and to look for the displays and to appreciate the time and effort that the driver took to make sure that YOUR driving experience was pleasant. Being as the display faces out the back, these selfless drivers get NO JOY out of doing this, except for to revel in the joy and delight it spreads. Thank you, selfless back-window display artists of America, you changed my life.

xoxo

I Really Am Not a Fan of Rosie O'Donnell


Just look at her in this picture. She looks like she has a spray tan gone bad and if she is wearing all black in an attempt to look slimmer it is NOT working. Rosie O'Donnell has got to be in the top ten most obnoxious people on television. Of course I wouldn't say in this world, because it is likely that there are other people more obnoxious than her, although I really cannot say with 100% certainty that I have come across any of those. Just the sound of her voice arguing with Elisabeth and Baba Wawa on the View sends chills throughout my entire body and literally makes me want to vomit. Do any of you recall her incredibly annoying talk show? She supposedly 'loved' Tom Cruise, but clearly that wasn't true when she outted herself as a lesbian a few years later. I have no problem with lesbians, but why fake a love for Tom Cruise for years of your life if you clearly would rather love someone like Madonna? And, of all people, Tom Cruise? I GUESS I can give her the benefit of the doubt in that it was before Tom turned into a complete and total nutjob. Anyhow, I can't even like Rosie in movies. She was so incredibly irritating in A League of Their Own. Her character was truly obnoxious and in all honesty I am pretty sure the team would've been A OK without her. In fact, she was so worthless I do not even remember what position she played for the Georgia Peaches and I have seen that movie probably 300 times. If you look up Rosie on Wikipedia she is listed as a television host, stand-up comedian, actress, singer, and writer. I'm sorry, but can someone tell me WHEN IN GODS NAME Rosie O'Donnell was a SINGER!?!!!???? I will die a happy person as long as I never have to hear a song sung by Rosie. I just hope that Rosie chooses to stick to celebrity blogging and annoying those that are immediately surrounding her, because I think I speak for the rest of America when I say that we would rather not see her face on the cover of a magazine, our televisions, or the big screen for the rest of our lives.

Just a Regular Old Lunch Break


My lunch break yesterday was quite an interesting time for me. So far, it really is unparalleled to most other lunch breaks I've had in past few months. I can't say of course that it was the strangest lunch break I've ever had, but it was definitely weird. It all started with a frantic phone call from an unnamed friend of mine who almost fell for a ridiculous facebook scam. No, Lindsey is not in London on vacation by herself, I'm pretty sure she is just at work sitting at her desk unaware that hacker boy is stalking all her friends for money. I tried to solve this great mystery over a delicious meal at American Cafe. Then, I witnessed something that I had never come across before. As I dined at American Cafe, I was very aware of my surroundings; in front of me were two women talking office gossip from the company next door to mine, there were some restaurant romances going on, a couple of babies crying, but the most interesting group during lunch yesterday were the three men sitting right behind me. At first glance, they appeared to be totally normal men, on their lunch break. Then, I heard the waitress come by their table.

I now introduce you to Melody (that is what I named her). She is a very awkward woman in her twenties who acts like she 15 years old. She may not have finished highschool and it is likely becuase she spent too much time playing pogs or swapping trading cards with her friends. Her friends are most likely boys, just like the ones at the table, and when she walks over to serve them her heart starts beating rapidly as she falls instantly in love (most likely with the black shirt on the right). I can hear her flirting and giggling with these men. At this point, there is nothing out of the ordinary about the men to me, becuase they are sitting behind me I cannot hear what they are doing or see what they look like. However, after Melody takes their order they all get prepared for what is about to be one of the most amazing games of Dragon Cards they have EVER played.


I now present to you Dragon Cards, or Dragon Block for those of you that have only played the first series of this game. 75 cards all representing different dragons; these cards are thought to posess 'shadow powers.' Please do not ask me what shadow powers are becuase I really dont know, but I bet I know where you can find someone who does? Melody, waitress from American Cafe, works the lunch shift on Wednesdays. Anyhow, the three men (or as I like to refer to them now, prepubescent teens due to their actions) begin shuffeling out the cards. I hear one of them proclaim that "it is not statistically possible" to get a hand better than the one he was dealt. The play cards as they wait to be served. When Melody brings their food over they move their Yu-Gi-OH! Dragon cards to the side, literally WOLF down their meals, and immediately return to game play. I am pretty sure that the guy in the hat won and then the guy in the black shirt 'bitch slapped' him. The reason I know this, well, its because I heard it. I also heard him proclaim that he had a 'license to kill.' I really can't wait to go back to American Cafe.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Guapos Restaurant Review


If you have time (and are severely dehydrated), I would highly recommend visiting Guapos in Shirlington, VA. I am sure that the other Guapos locations would come almost as highly recommended, but since I have never been to those I really cannot vouch for them. And, it is highly unlikely to me that they have the employee of the month who I will name Pepe. Pepe works not as a waiter, but as more of a bus boy. He is there to make sure that your salsa is always plentiful and your chips are constantly overflowing. But, more importantly Pepe is there to make sure that your water glass is not only constantly filled to the brim, but that your glass is so full that it is virtually impossible for you to even lift your glass to take a sip -- you must lean over and drink from the straw or a large spill would be had. If a spill had occurred, this would actually be terrible for Pepe's level of service. He would have to take time to help clean the spill during which he would miss the refilling of SEVERAL water glasses. Not once during the meal were we able to even drink more than a half a sip of water without Pepe returning to the table to top off our glasses. At one point, he filled the glass so much that he even spilled water on Jamie's leg (I don't blame him, she did look life threateningly dehydrated). If you are thirsty and do not want to be able to count how many glasses of water you've drank because you've never even drank past the tip of your glass, than I HIGHLY recommend Guapos. (The food isn't so bad either)

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

GymWonders of the Third Kind

I just recently joined a gym close to my work. I have decided to take a step to further improve my health and well being and I'm very proud of myself. I have always been a somewhat athletic person, but in the past I had stuck to outside activities: running, social sports, etc. Now that I joined a gym, I realized that there are certain things you will see there that you will never see anywhere else. Only at the gym can you witness these little mysteries of life and majestic occurrences that leave you stunned and awed by the possibilities of life. Please follow me through my gym photo journal, as I share with you part one of my experiences over the past 21 days:


The Narcissistic Buff Ginger Man on Toxic Levels of Human Growth Hormone

I now share with you something truly disturbing, right out of the depths of our darkest nightmares. Picture yourself walking out of the locker room at the gym, getting ready to work out. You walk out into the mirrored room and you see the reflection of a 5 foot tall, red headed man with bulging muscles popping out of his chest. His pants are so low you can see his barren happy trail (impeccably shaved and groomed) leading it's way down into the depths of hell. He is pumping an iron with one fist that holds more weight than both your buffet-eating grandparents combined. Not only is he lifting this weight EASILY, but he is also smiling at himself and whispering sweet nothings to his own reflection "yea that's right god you're so hot, you sweet ginger complected hunk of man. god my body looks so swol. i would so do me. i want to do myself." You hold back the vomit from escaping as you stare at this man in amazement. I wish it wasn't true, but I experienced this today as I walked out of the locker room to hit the treadmills. As I ran my 3 miles I couldn't get the picture out of my head. I haven't been able to eat dinner tonight, and I don't count on sleeping much.





The Boob Flinger That Flings Her Boobs Around, Doesn't Wear a Sports Bra, and Thinks She Is Better Than You



So I took a kickboxing class the other day. I was totally excited for it. I went with my roommate and co-worker and we quickly took our places in the back of the class. We began our warm up with our teacher and were just starting to get the hang of things when the door slammed open and in walked a woman wearing the skimpiest non-work out outfit I have ever seen. She had regular pants on and a tank top with a regular bra underneath. Most off she had a chest the size of two lumpy watermelons picked fresh right off the vine. She quickly went to the front of the room and began working out...or should I say, erupting into full body epileptic seizures. Her moves were something directly out of karate kid. I believe she could have kicked and sliced through 15 wooden boards that night using just her breasts. Everything our teacher did, she did it 5 times bigger with extra sloppy/incorrect kicks, higher jumps.....and more than anything extensive boob flinging. During the half way point of the class we heard a sudden crash of something metal hit the mirrors. We realized it was Boob Flingers gold medallions that had snapped off under the weight of her flinging breasts and shot off her chest into the mirror. Boob Flinger was barely phased. I doubt I will ever have the skills, or the boobs to come close to Boob Flinger. She is truly a GymWonder.

TO BE CONTINUED....

Office Dares

I know some of you may already be familiar with this list (or may already do these things daily), but I thought it was worth bringing back due to its pure hilarity. Please advise of the outcome of any of the below.

ONE-POINT DARES

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).
3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your head.
6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS DARES
1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES
1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."
5) After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon." Keep this up for one hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights."
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:"Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.
18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

And if that wasn't enough for you here are some examples of insane acts you can use anywhere...
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." Sara this will one day be for you and Rob to say to your first born, Sunny Alfredo
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) In the subject field for all your e-mails, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."
7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
8) Don't use any punctuation
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

WHATS UP WORLD


Whats up World, this is Sway! Hopefully most of you are familiar with MTV News hip-hop icon, Sway Calloway. For those of you who aren't, I hope you read something today that will inspire you. While Sway is no Kurt Loder or John Norris (other MTV News legends), he is a true staple and a majestic part of the MTV family. He can be found on Total Request Live, the VMA's, Direct Effect, the Wake Up Show, and of course, MTV News. His kind, welcoming words to his audience are mostly what have appealed to me. He starts off every news cast with a very excited, "WHATS UP WORLD, THIS IS SWAY." As a teenager growing up in Oakland, CA, Sway probably never imagined that one day he would be a larger than life TV personality saying hello to millions across the world every hour on the hour on MTV News. For those of you that only know Sway as an MTV news reporter, you are in for a shocking surprise. Not only is he one of the most fascinating interviewers I have ever witnessed (second only to MTV VJ Jesse), but he has also topped the Billboard charts with fellow rapper DJ King Tech. His 1999 album, This or That, reached all the way to #30 on Billboards R&B/Hip Hop Album charts. But, for a real treat, see if you can locate his 1990 album Concrete Jungle. If you aren't inspired yet, then it is important to note that Sway has also made quite a presence in the political world as well. He has reported from both the DNC and the RNC as well as headed up the Choose or Lose Campaign in 2004 (an effort to get young people to the polls). And, if this still hasn't sparked your interested, then please just take a long hard look at the photo of Sway posted above. His debonair good looks and long luscious locks all wrapped up in various types of hats and bandanas are enough to make any girl melt. So, please do a little research, watch some of his videos/shows/interviews, familiarize yourself with Sway and you will surely fall in love. Just see, from these videos below, how he has provided inspiration to young aspiring reporters everywhere.



Tuesday, January 20, 2009

As Not Seen on TV

A person I know (I am very skeptical about even admitting I know him) has recently sent me some failed television commercials. After reviewing these I came to a few conclusions. 1. Alex Comiskey has too much time on his hands. 2. I am truly disgusted by the fact that the following products have not been introduced to the entire world:

The Tiddy Bear



I don't know about you, but almost daily my seatbelt is tight to the point of suffocation. The Tiddy Bear really would come in handy in several areas; general comfort, physical appearance (reduces bruising from seatbelt), and fashionable seatbelt style. I do not know WHY this commercial failed but I hope that is not a reflection on the product itself. The person who invented this (I believe it is still patent pending) really deserves several pats on the back.

Introducing . . . . . .

The Wunder Boner



Now, one thing I can say about the fact that this commercial failed is that it is due entirely to the poor acting exhibited by mustache man. His sarcastic laugh and over the top attitude really interfered with the selling points in this commercial. However, if you, like me, are able to get past that, you see that this is also a truly amazing product. As the daughter of a fisherman I can tell you right now that this product is definitely worth the money. I will be ordering this in bulk for a reduced rate if anyone would like to go in on it with me.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

The Sketchiness of Towing Lots


Unfortunately this post was inspired by an actual event. This evening Anna and I decided to go to Quiznos (a weekend usual) and while we were in there for LESS THAN 5 MINUTES, her car was towed from the parking lot. It actually happened so fast that we were afraid her car was stolen. So of course we had to go get her car from the towing lot. Now, I don't know how many of you are familiar with towing lots, but they are probably one of the sketchiest places that I have ever been to. Every single time I've been to a tow lot (you'd probably be surprised at the number of times), they consist of an empty lot filled with cars, a tiny little shed house with a really freakish old woman, and lots of chain link fences. This evening's towing experience was no different. Advanced towing is located behind a Mercedes Benz dealership on Glebe Rd. in Arlington and to get into the small shed-like motor home building you have to walk in between two 8 ft. chain link fences and up some home made creaky wooden stairs. Once inside the shed, there is of course a large plexiglass window with a small hole cut out of it. Apparently the towing people are fearful for their lives from those who have had their cars towed, AS THEY SHOULD BE. One place that I have picked up my car from actually looked as if it had a bullet hole through the plexiglass. Behind the counter this evening was an old woman with a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt circa 1981. Her hair was so long and scraggly and she of course had a large witch-like mole on her chin. Thankfully, Advanced towing accepts credit cards, but I have been towed by cash only places as well which is always a treat. It is wonderful to have to go withdraw $100+ just to get your car out of a parking lot surrounded by guard dogs and chain link fences, not to mention very easy to access an ATM when you are WITHOUT YOUR CAR. I think I should get into the towing business. It clearly doesn't require that much capital to start up or maybe they would have nicer sheds. And it is quite an easy business where you really cash in quickly on ruining people's mornings, evenings, days, weeks, etc. I can't wait to start my own towing company. I think I'll name it Happy Tow.

Friday, January 16, 2009

A True Gem: Grape Stomp

Here, for your viewing pleasure is a favorite video of mine, The Fox 5 Grape Stomp. A worker at the local vineyard and the television reporter do a practice grape stomp for the upcoming events at the vineyard that weekend. On Saturday there will be a grape stomping contest. The winner earns an overnight stay at the vineyard. I wonder if they still had the contest after this event. Wonderful sound effects are included. Please also pay special attention to the reaction of the Fox reporters back at the studio. This video is truly priceless and will never get old. Enjoy.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

A few items to consider during poor economic times


In today's economic climate of rising energy costs and uncertain financial markets businesses are cutting costs wherever possible. They are really trying to 'trim the fat' and increase their bottom line in any way possible. CEO's and Budget Analysts are reviewing how they spend their money and deciding to cut out those unnecessary costs.

My suggestion is that the US also engage in some of these reviews and possibly consider downsizing and getting rid of the unnecessary. I would like to start with getting rid of a few 'states.' Having been a Massachusetts resident for 18 years of my life, my heart really belongs to the Union so my biggest concerns lie there. With that being said I think that it is important that the Union really consider which states are really relevant, useful, valued, significant, etc. My number one recommendation would be to eliminate Rhode Island. It is the sorriest excuse of a state and it should just be part of Connecticut. First off, the sales tax in the state of Rhode Island is 7%. That is abusrd. The state itself is the size of some people's hometowns and they have the audacity to charge me 7% on purchases when I go shop at the Providence Place Mall - No thanks, I'll take my business elsewhere liek to another state that is maybe 4 feet away. The only other state in the entire country that has a sales tax rates higher than Rhode Island is California, and lets face it they can do whatever they want there. Secondly, getting rid of Rhode Island would make one less state to share Boston sports teams with. For some odd reason New England consists of SIX states and we get ONE team for each sport. Don't ask me why becuase I'll never understand it, especially when New York has more than enough teams for each sport to go around (with the exception of basketball).

Anyhow, after we elminiate Rhode Island I think we should continue trimming the fat from the Union and get rid of Delaware. Does anyone even go there? If they do, its probably just to go to the beach in which case it could just be added to Maryland where there are plenty of other beaches to hit up. At the most northern part of Delaware you can actually drive just 12 miles to get to the other side. My home town has roads that are longer than that and my home town is NOT large. If I can drive 12 miles in my own home town and still be there then I think that its a little crazy that you can drive 12.1 miles and be completely gone from the state of Delaware. Delawares economy is pretty worthless as well. It's not like anything that comes from Delaware can't be produced elsewhere.

Extending outside of the Union there are a few states in the northern part of the US that really should just be given to Canada: North Dakota and Montana. Both extremely large yet completely worthless states. North Dakota has TWO cities. If a state that large has been around for over 110 years and has only managed to muster up two cities I would say it is pointless to give it anymore time. Just give it to Canada I'm sure they can find something useful to do with it. Montana ranks 4th in area in US states but somehow manages to rank 44th in population. I will tell you which states are below it: Delaware, Rhode Island, North Dakota - get rid of them all.

It has been suggested to me by a friend of mine that South Dakota also should be done away with. She will remain nameless so that she can avoid any offensive remarks that she would receive for this suggestion. But, when Emily Dyche told me that she felt South Dakota was completely 'useless' I had to do a little research. Now we all know that South Dakota is home to Mt. Rushmore which is my #1 reason for not removing this state (I love Presidents), but it is also home to the annual Sturgis Motorcycle Ralley. How could we even consider getting rid of such a state? Not to mention that SD has the lowest unemployment rate of all the states in the US. In these economic times, I would have to say getting rid of South Dakota would be a POOR decision, sorry Emily.

I welcome other suggestions on pointless states to get rid of during these difficult economic times. Although, I just would like to point out that they may not be implemented any time in the near future.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Michael Nicewonder


I hope that you watched American Idol tonight. If so, you would have had the pleasure of listening to a sweet songbird: Michael Nicewonder. Not only is Michael Nicewonder a treat for the eyes and the ears, but he is also a song writer! Ladies, brace yourselves, he will make your heart stop. And, in the case that he does actually make your heart stop, he specializes in writing depressing songs about letting go of loved ones.

"I'm not trying to be the best songwriter I think . . . I'm just trying to be me." M. Nicewonder

Simon's suggestion: Go to Hallmark and write Mother's Day Cards.

My Suggestion: Email TLC for an Extreme Makeover.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

never gets old . . . .



please pay special attention to 2:09 - 2:16. always a fan favorite.

Friday, January 9, 2009

The Following Is An E-mail I Received at 1:33 a.m.


Hello
My name is: Olga I from Russia city: Samara It washing a photo To me 27 years and I very much would like to find second half for very serious relations To me have told that on the Internet is possible will get acquainted with the good person for an opportunity creation of family.
At me a lot of familiar which have got acquainted on the Internet with men have left abroad because loved each other I very much would like to create family.
I not when was not married and I have no children.
But me of it therefore very much would be wanted try to find the man of the dream I very much would wish to be friends of you and if it is pleasant to you washing a photo write to me I shall necessarily answer you and to this I shall be very glad.
I very much to wait the letter from you
At us very much a big difference in time but I shall try to speak with you as it is possible is more often
Write to me on my personal e-mail: masternada@rambler.ru
It is a lot of kisssss
Yours olga

unfortunately i'm a female interested in men, but all you men out there have at it. this is one pretty little lady.
xoxo

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Introducing a Miniaturrreee Horrrseeee


If you aren't familiar with Brian Fellow of Brian Fellow's Safari Planet, then get familiar with him. In particular, get familiar with this riveting sketch from SNL during Season 27, Episode 6. I will leave you with this, "Introducingggg a Miniaturreee Horrrseeee."

Thank you and Goodnight.

http://www.truveo.com/SNL-Brian-Fellow/id/1768244935

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Please take a moment of silence

to reflect on the beauty of this logo:


Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Web sites that should of course be taken seriously.



Have you ever longed for something more to add happiness and joy to your stupid, boring life? Do you ever look at your cat or your dog lying on the floor and think "God DAMMIT, you lazy piece of crap, why can't I just have a decent pet that brings me joy and happiness??? And why do you have to be so.......REAL!?!". Do you often times reminisce on your first Gigapet that you got for Christmas and wish you could go back in time? Well what I am about to show you will change your world.

The Web site I am about to unveil is truly a diamond in the rough. It is an uplifting site that shows to the world "HEY, JUST BECAUSE I CAN'T HOLD SOMETHING IN MY ARMS OR PHYSICALLY TOUCH IT DOESN'T MEAN IT ISN'T 'REAL'!". Yes, it's true. The reason I say this, is because the author of this Web site is the proud owner of something really special, the proud owner of a "House of Weird Pets" - and these pets aren't your average pets. They are WEIRD and they are 100% VIRTUAL. This doesn't make them any less real to the author, Wellesley. In fact it makes them more special and loveable. He treats them with extra care. He reads to them every night. He takes them out to the bathroom. He feeds them nutritious cyber meals. He pets his monitor and cries and sings songs of praise to his assortment of creatures. There are no pets in this world treated better than Ralph the rock, or Rupert, the pet cloud. Wellesley is a true testament to the power of one human being and their ability to comfort themselves with the love and attention of over 15 virtual creatures. No one has to tell me that Wellesley already has more love in his life than I will ever have - because I already know this.

I welcome you into Wellesley's "House of Weird Pets"
http://www.geocities.com/Wellesley/2619/Pets.html

You will never be the same.

xoxo

Emails that should of course be taken seriously

Good Day,

My name is Mrs. Sherry Armstrong. I am a dying woman who had decided to donate
what I have to a reliable individual who will act as i will instruct here. I am
63 years old and was diagnosed for cancer about 2 years ago. I have been touched
by God to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband Mr. Armstrong
Limberly to you for the good work of God, rather than allow my husbands
relatives to use my husband's hard earned funds ungodly.I will be under going an
operation here in Malaysia, and i pray that I survive the operation. I have
decided to WILL the sum of £10,000,000 (Ten Million Great British Pounds)
deposited in a secured bank in UK, to you for the good work of the lord, the
orphanage, the needy and to help the motherless.

Presently, I have informed my Doctor, Dr.Williams Koka. about my decision in
WILLING this funds to a reliable individual.You are to Contact my Doctor through
his email address (dr.williams_koka@hotmail.com) If you are interested in
carrying out this task,so that the Doctor can arrange and instruct you on how
the funds will be release to you. I know I have never meet you, but in other to
fulfill this which borders me most and i got your email address through my
personal search on the internet, my mind tells me to inform you about this, and
I hope you act sincerely, please contact my Doctor immediately. Be informed that
I can not read emails or receive phone calls for now. You can get any
information you need from my Doctor.He shall always give me feedback and give
you my words in return.God bless you.

Mrs.Sherry Armstrong

Monday, January 5, 2009

Disturbing Television Shows




Tonight is the season premiere of The Secret Life of an American Teenager on the ABC Family channel at 8 pm. For those of you that have not had the pleasure of viewing this show it is about a 15 year old freshmen band geek (Amy) who got pregnant from a ONE NIGHT STAND AT BAND CAMP. Yes, you heard me correct, she had a one night stand at band camp. She went there to learn how to improve her french horn skills but ended up getting knocked up by a 'promiscuous junior' named Ricky. Somehow this girl manages to get a boyfriend (another 15 year old) who is obsessed with her and wants to marry her and take the baby on as his own. Meanwhile, Amy's dad has been kicked out of the house, is dating the 'high school slut's mother and sleeping at his furniture store. (The high school slut, Adrian, is most likely played by a 30 year old actress that the show's producers are trying to pass off as 14 years old.) Amy's 13 year old sister is also having sex and in one of the many episodes that was on yesterday she tried to get with Alice's (dont even get me started on her!) boyfriend. She also has the most monotone voice I have ever heard and it is almost painful to hear her speak. Then there is Grace. Grace is a devoted Christian who wears a promise ring from her parents. She now dates Ricky (the guy that knocked up Amy at band camp), but was previously dating Jack until he cheated on her with the high school slut, Adrian. Please, anyone tell me if this reminds you of YOUR HIGHSCHOOL!?!!??? You could literally make a drinking game out of how many times they say the word 'sex' on this show. And, might I remind you that this show is on the FAMILY CHANNEL. So, for those of you who find this disturbing television show to be worth watching please tune in for tonight's episode The Secret Wedding of An American Teenager. I hope you will not be disappointed. And, if you ever have a chance you should go back and catch the episode where Tom (Grace's brother) orders a hooker online. I am not even getting into that right now.

Some other shows that disturb me:

Kyle XY
The Half Ton Series on TLC (half ton dad, half ton teen, half ton mom)

XOXO
Professional Cuddler **&** <3

Saturday, January 3, 2009

World's Smallest Man Meets World's Tallest Man




Dear cyber friends,

Who knew that the day the smallest man and the tallest man in the world would meet at a long picnic table. You would think that THEY COULD PICK A BETTER LOCATION! WHAT A LAME SPOT FOR TWO OF THE BEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD TO MEET! And who the hell are the people that introduced him? Also, the tallest man should be ashamed of himself. He was dressed like a bum, whereas the smallest man was clearly dressed for a black tie event...BUT ENDED UP STANDING ON A DANG PICNIC TABLE/BEING HELD LIKE A DAMN PORCELAIN DOLL! Insulting to say the least. All we're saying is that such a momentous occasion clearly could have been executed better. What are your thoughts? We are eager to read your thorough analyses.

XOXO
TI83PLUS//*\\<3

Amazing Discoveries



DISCUSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pop Singer, Dancer, TV Personality, Legend: PJA


Good Morning Cyber Friends,

Today is a glorious day. Today marks the season premiere of RAH! Cheerleading Bowl, Paula Abdul's new reality TV show. On this momentous day I would like to take a look back at the life of the ever so fabulous Paula Julie Abdul.

Most of you probably think of Paula as the crazy, cracked out, always buzzed/maybe a little drunk/slightly hammered judge of American Idol . . . do we really know what she is drinking out of that Coke cup? But, when I think of Paula Abdul I think of her as an exceptional dancer and a melodic mastermind. Her first album, Forever Your Girl, brought us legendary tunes such as Straight Up and Forever Your Girl. The Spellbound Era came only a few years later when she whispered Rush Rush into American's ears everywhere. Another lyrical masterpiece was Will you Marry Me?, which I can only hope was used for proposals across the country in 1991. Her career as a singer and dancer was one that deserves the highest of recognitions as her talents are just truly beyond those of any other human.

So, on this day, the great day of RAH!'s season premiere, lets all take a look back at the life of Paula Abdul and her accomplishments. Whether it was her singing, dancing, her role on American Idol or as a reporter on Entertainment Tonight, please take a moment to reflect on why YOU love Paula Julie Abdul.

XOXO
ProfessionalCuddler **&** <3

Friday, January 2, 2009

Halitosis Osmosis

In 24 Years of Life My Breath Has Been Absolutely Heavenly...

The Past Week I Have Suffered Immensely:






Hey everyone,

I wanted to write about something that has affected me recently and has been a little upsetting. I have always prided myself on my breath. All of my life I have known people with bad breath and I have laughed behind their backs knowing that I, GooglemasterGirl, have never had bad breath. I mean, sure it's probably not that pleasant first thing in the morning, but it's bearable and I have never had any complaints from any of the male models/hot men/professional athletes I've hooked up with. Again, if I ate an onion and a slab of garlic, it would smell bad of course. But what I am talking about is that my breath has always been naturally pleasant - without the influence of any herbs or spices. So anyway, for the past few days I have had highly disturbing episodes of seriously unpleasant tastes, and probably odors, coming from my mouth. My mouth does not taste the same as it used to and I'm pretty sure it doesn't smell nice either. It is unbearable. I don't feel like myself and not even three slices of the most potent peppermint gum can cure my ailments. It does not matter what I eat, how much I brush, what I drink, there is still something going on there and it's really upsetting. My questions to the general public (and hopefully there are a few doctors and nurses out there) are:

1. Can you develop halitosis out of the blue?

2. I recently moved into a small city. Is it possible that the water is tainted and it is screwing with my saliva?

3. Does anyone out there suffer from chronic halitosis, and if so, please tell us how you have managed to overcome this terrible and debilitating disease.

Thank you so much for your help, I sincerely hope that this is merely a passing and temporary issue.

xoxo,
GOOGLEMASTERGIRL$$$$<3

Squirrely is dead







Dear Cyber Friends,

Today, we mourn the death of squirrely, our neighborhood pet. Unfortunately, we found him laying outside of our door in the cold winds with nothing to protect him. If only we had known. Reason and time of death... debatable.

Discuss...


XOXO
TI83Plus //*\\ <3

Thursday, January 1, 2009

INAUGURATION DAY 2009

Hello friends of the cyber world! Today is a special day. It marks the inaugural post of the "Discuss Amongst Yourselves" Blog. You may be asking - what is this blog about? Why am I reading it right now? The answer to your question will come with time. With each and every post that we put up. Mark OUR words, by the end of 2009, there will not come a day when you will not read Discuss Amongst Yourselves and have a valid discussion with yourself and your cyber peers. To quote dictionary.com, the word "Discuss" is defined as:to consider or examine by argument, comment, etc.; talk over or write about, esp. to explore solutions; debate: to discuss the proposed law on tax

I can only hope that every time you read this, you are inspired to discuss and converse about what the meaning is behind our post. We are geniuses, and behind everything we do there is a deeper meaning. Sometimes we may post while drunk, as in right now. But it doesn't change the fact that I am seriously, sorry WE, are ridiculously and utterly SMART AS SHIT.

If you want to discuss this post, go ahead, but I guarantee if you wait 24 hours there will be a picture posted that will not only rock your world and shake you to the core, but will inspire an inner examination of your soul, of your life and of your whole spirit mind and body.





You will not be disappointed.

xoxo
GOOGLEMASTERGIRL$$$$<3